By whatever means you see it, you are exactly where you want to be right now.
The choices you made, given the circumstances you find you in led to this point. We all fight against this truth but the more I think about it the more I think it is truth.
Sure, I don't like some of the thing that have occurred in the past. Far too much time, and energy, has been expended fighting against the reality that is right now. I'd like to say I won't let them win but in a way they are already winning.
Like someone crippled with a phobia-driven fear, circumstance has been in the drivers seat for as long as I can remember. What if people find out about this, or about that? What if I had done this or that? They won't like me if they know this. How could this happen to me? Some of those things are a result of choices made, some are not. But they could be.
I'd like to say I've learned a lot in the last year or so. I have learned a lot but have I done anything about it? I have learned that life is short. I have learned that humans are not invincible. I have learned that I took certain things for granted. These things shouldn't be learned at 30.
Count the cost. It's immeasurable. What is a normal life? Has it already beaten me? I won't give up, you can't give up, it's just that sometimes you want to. There's no alternative but to fight. I'm not a fighter. Life must go on. It stopped long ago. Time moves fast. Time is my greatest enemy.
Touch. There's a great wall before me. Distance. A road less travelled. Darkness. I get covered.
This is not me. I used to feel so strong. Now I feel weak. This is not me. I've been lying to you just to convince myself. This is not me. (borrowed lyrics from Delta Goodrem's This is Not Me)
There is a light. He has given me unbelievable strength. Acknowledgement isn't always forthcoming but He has never left me. I don't talk to Him enough but he always listens. People can hear you but they aren't always listening.
My choices have me standing where I am. Do I need to choose to change? Change is required but that means leaving the comfort zone. Comfort zones are called that because they are comfortable. Stress is bad. But if I stay in the comfort zone....
* Inspired somewhat by a blog written by Brant Fowler, see The Road Less Traveled , and I thank him for writing it.
2 comments:
Interesting post. Some great reflections and observations. And some scary truths too.
I read that first sentence - By whatever means you see it, you are exactly where you want to be right now. - and wanted to say you're wrong, but realised you are very right!
What makes it all the more scary is the fact i have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months - or weeks really...
I love what you said about comfort zones though - very helpful (and again, scary) reminder at this time i think.
Thank you!
Glad you got something out of it.
I was in a pretty dark place, I must admit, when I wrote this.
I'm not stepping back from it for a second, though, because I believe every word I wrote.
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