There are smarter things I've done than attempt to come off an anti-depressant in the middle of a pandemic. Turns out I probably need it.
Everyone has been thrown a curve ball, regardless of whether or not your work has been affected, and it's difficult to adjust. I struggled in the early weeks leading into the shutdown of society as we know it with a sense of unease overwhelming my subconscious, eventually it seeped out and became a simmering level of anxiety. That was uncomfortable.
Now it's been about two months and people are starting to emerge again as restrictions are ever so slowly lifted. But, typical of all of us, you give an inch and most will take that mile.
I guess it's less an ignorance about the virus still being about and more a desire to get back to some kind of normal. Whatever that looks like.
There's nothing like a forced disconnection from the world to make someone who already feels like there's a wall around them to be even more isolated. Sure, I go to work which is handy and gives a sense of normal.
But I don't have any friends.
That's the hardest realisation to come to.
I suppose I can't blame anyone, I spend far too much time in my own world of idealism to be able to come out and interact. Regardless of whether I'm in the company of others or not.
At last look I have something like 830 'friends' on Facebook. Around 1400 people care enough to follow me on Twitter. It feels like zero.
Before any alarm bells start to ring I have to say while it is hard it's not a hole I can't get out of.
But how?
What does it mean when you make a point of trying to organise a catch up with people you think are your mates but it never happens? Are they too caught up in their world to venture into someone else's too? Or are you really not friends? You can't help but take it personally.
It's also hard to feel close to others when the powers that be keep telling you to stay away from people. No wonder when the opportunity for a meaningless encounter presents itself it seems even more appealing.
It's also easy to blame the pandemic but what will things look like when there's some semblance of normal? I have been determined to emerge better from this crisis.
How that looks I don't have a picture, especially from the hole I'm in at the moment.
