Without a doubt one of the hardest things to comprehend is how expectations and reality compare.It's something that almost always trips me up, I'll expect something of a situation or a person that is unrealistic (in hindsight, nothing is ever unrealistic the first time) and am ultimately let down. Time after time it happens.
Everyone likes to think they have two feet on the ground but when it comes down it, I am a dreamer and a romantic and an idealist. I'm not sure whether those three things can co-exist and sustain a healthy (emotional) person.
Dreamers get caught up wild, futuristic hopes and, funny enough, dreams, that are rarely grounded in any kind of reality.
Romantics like to see the best in people, can often block out obvious flaws, particularly when there are feelings involved (this can be a good thing and probably aids relationships). Also they go to a lot of trouble for others and can often be disappointed when the effort is not appreciated. They love films like Sleepless In Seattle, where spectacularly unlikely situations always work out.
Idealists get caught up with how things `should' be. `In an ideal world.....' is a catchphrase and this can cause problems when the ideal world and the real world don't match up. Which they rarely do, in my experience.
Sound familiar?
Expectations, even though a lot of the time they are unsaid, are always there.I expect things of certain people and at times that has led to rifts, albeit usually temporary ones, and while they are yet to cost me a friend they have the potential. With a couple of particular friends I think I have gone pretty close to the line a few times.
The problem here is that you rarely realise that your expectations are the problem. It's always the other person. Why don't they see things the same way you do?
Another problem is we rarely tell others what we expect of them. On a very basic level, I expect people who are friends to be encouraging and supportive but also honest. I try to be the same, but like many others I'm sure can get too caught up in my own issues.
Any thoughts?
8 comments:
Hmmm...some good points there Ray.
One lesson I've learnt that applies to every sphere of life, is that you have to clearly articulate your expectations. No-one sees the world the same way as anyone else. What is obvious to me is not obvious to someone else.
By being upfront and honest about our expectations in friendships, a lot of grief can be avoided.
All good points, and I agree, but easier said that done don't you think?
Totally - honesty is really hard, I think. People hate conflict, and avoid it.
But I've found people respond pretty well to being upfront. A while ago I said to someone "I'm doing it really tough this week - could you make time to meet me for lunch?" - and he was happy to oblige.
If I'd casually said "Lets do lunch," without the context of why, he may or may not have made time. And I may well have been upset that he "wasn't there for me".
I've generally found people respond pretty well to upfront stuff like that.
I like and would like (need) to try more of 'hicks' advice, and I really appreciate your well written thoughts on this, your own, but also familiar and ever difficult issue for me.
Honestly takes courage, that i too often just don't seem to have at the times most needed; when up against the real substance of my moment's expectations.
The truth is that it is always His moment, no matter what.
I am convinced that it is Grace, or its meaning, is my only hope against such power.
oops I meant to say 'craig's' advice, basically about the value of about being upfront and open with your intentions, etc. :)
I can definately relate to some of that stuff Ray.
And I think you're right, we rarely see that it may be our expectations that need to be adjusted, not the other person's.
I think that level of honesty is definately hard, but necessary in most situations.
Which is why i also want to say good advice Craig!
So simple yet something not done nearly enough!
Even though it is a simple concept, honesty isn't something that seems to come easy to us humans. I try to be honest and up front, but sometimes people either aren't ready to hear how it is, or it is not appropriate.
E.g. Particularly last year when things weren't great (health-wise) I found it easier to say I'm OK than to go into what's been happening. I know that doesn't necessarily help but sometimes it's not good to always talk about things like that. Plus I think you need to pick your audience.
Once you start to hide things from others you can hide them from yourself and that creates a larger problem. If you're not honest with yourself how can you be honest with others.
I'm not saying by not being `honest' that we are lying or being dishonest, more than we withhold information. You can still be honest with yourself because you are the only one who really knows how you feel.
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