Inside A Mid-Life Crisis

In the movies when someone, usually a guy, is having what they call a 'mid-life crisis' they are usually seen cruising around in a fancy car or have had some kind of eye-opening makeover.

That may be true of some people. It may be the text book example. I doubt it's the norm.

I've been trying to work out what's been going on with myself for a while and I've concluded that it is in fact a mid-life crisis. At 45 it seems to fit. I have a huge sense of uncertainty, not helped at all by a global pandemic, and a simmering sense of fear.

It's the latter that is fuelling a lot of aspects of life, making it harder to get up and going in the morning and less willing to explore the world in all its forms. On the other side I have the sense of time running out, or probably more accurately of the limited amount of time that is available to us.

Kind of a paradox. I should be making the most of the time available particularly when I am in the shape, physically and financially to a degree, to be able to. But the fear is like a harness.

I suffer from a extreme lack of focus on anything that's not internal or related to my internal wellbeing. I don't seem to be able to connect with others as I default to living inside the prison that my fears have created in my head. I want to break free (apologies to Queen) but I want it to happen immediately and am unable to take the small steps required to emerge, have a sense that it's a permanent change, therefore a sustainable one. A quick fix won't, and never does, work.

This has to be what a mid-life crisis is. A realisation that you're not immortal, and wondering how important whatever it is you're doing. Whether there's some greater purpose or it's all just stuff you do and experience and it doesn't really matter.

Small steps are actually quite hard but they are the rewarding ones. Recently I committed to curbing a bad gambling habit, and it's so far so good. I pledged to not gamble on the machines, something that has been an issue from time to time, and at the end of each month donate $100 to charity. If for whatever reason I slip up, no matter how insignificant, I sign up to a self-exclusion program.

It's a good incentive and by donating money each month it's putting money to worthy causes.

I have a sense of determination about that which is handy, I just need more determination about myself in other areas. In no small part, mental health.

This pandemic is soul crushing but it isn't wholly responsible for my situation. It's a contributing factor at the moment but hopefully the pandemic will end. In Australia the problem isn't anywhere near as huge as it is in other parts of the world but we've seen in one state that it can shut life as we know it down. I've been wanting to come out of the pandemic in a better shape, it's not looking great at the moment but it's a war not just one battle.

I've said before I feel like I have no friends and that still stands, but I don't know how true that is. I'm sure I do but there's no sense of closeness and that's just as scary as the mid-life crisis itself.

Hole Digging During A Pandemic

There are smarter things I've done than attempt to come off an anti-depressant in the middle of a pandemic. Turns out I probably need it.
Everyone has been thrown a curve ball, regardless of whether or not your work has been affected, and it's difficult to adjust. I struggled in the early weeks leading into the shutdown of society as we know it with a sense of unease overwhelming my subconscious, eventually it seeped out and became a simmering level of anxiety. That was uncomfortable.
Now it's been about two months and people are starting to emerge again as restrictions are ever so slowly lifted. But, typical of all of us, you give an inch and most will take that mile.
I guess it's less an ignorance about the virus still being about and more a desire to get back to some kind of normal. Whatever that looks like.
There's nothing like a forced disconnection from the world to make someone who already feels like there's a wall around them to be even more isolated. Sure, I go to work which is handy and gives a sense of normal.
But I don't have any friends.
That's the hardest realisation to come to.
I suppose I can't blame anyone, I spend far too much time in my own world of idealism to be able to come out and interact. Regardless of whether I'm in the company of others or not.
At last look I have something like 830 'friends' on Facebook. Around 1400 people care enough to follow me on Twitter. It feels like zero.
Before any alarm bells start to ring I have to say while it is hard it's not a hole I can't get out of.
But how?
What does it mean when you make a point of trying to organise a catch up with people you think are your mates but it never happens? Are they too caught up in their world to venture into someone else's too? Or are you really not friends? You can't help but take it personally.
It's also hard to feel close to others when the powers that be keep telling you to stay away from people. No wonder when the opportunity for a meaningless encounter presents itself it seems even more appealing.
It's also easy to blame the pandemic but what will things look like when there's some semblance of normal? I have been determined to emerge better from this crisis.
How that looks I don't have a picture, especially from the hole I'm in at the moment.

The 2019 Raymo Awards

It's been a year of few real standouts in film evidenced, to me at least, by seeing only 36 movies at the cinema - the first was Mary Poppins Returns and the last being Jumanji: The Next Level and in a log of ways that sums up the year. Unnecessary sequels and/or remakes.

Most of you would be aware by now that a score of 7/10 is seen as the minimum for a pass - now 7 can be a good score as much as it can be a bad one. Interestingly 28 of my 36 received 7 or more but only 10 scored 8 or higher. That tells me the quality was down.

So here's my top 5 of 2019, unsurprisingly dominated by Marvel.

1. Captain Marvel (9/10)
Very much a polarising character if you believe the internet, Captain Marvel was as big a risk as Guardians, Ant-Man or Doctor Strange and I thought they nailed it. Brie Larson and Samuel L Jackson teamed up so well and the 1990s backdrop paved the way for a great soundtrack. It came with plenty riding on it to complete the Avengers Infinity War/Endgame tie in and it's just great fun too.

2. Ford v Ferrari (9/10)
Definitely didn't expect this Matt Damon/Christian Bale story about the 1966 Le Mans battle for supremacy between the two motor companies to be as outstanding as it turned out. Aided by two superb performances, especially Bale, it's much more about the stories of Ken Miles (Bale) and Carroll Shelby (Damon) than it is about car racing itself. Though the scenes of the actual race are awesome. Be surprised if it's not in a lot of people's lists.

3. Spider-Man Far From Home (9/10)
The second Spider-Man film in the MCU was just as fun as the first and it had the job of kicking off the post-Endgame era. They stacked plenty in, from the duplicitous Mysterio to showing Peter's struggle with being a hero and wanting to just be a teenager for a while and the big reveals at the end. Can't wait for number 3.

4. Avengers: Endgame (8.5/10)
Now this is a controversial one. My original score on first viewing was 8.5 but having seen it a few times more it'd be easily my number one but I go with first impression here. Endgame was a massive undertaking and it worked, despite the always risky time travel plot, and it works more each time you see it. And the soundtrack over the 'signs offs' in the credits is perfect. I do fear the MCU might have peaked but we won't really know until 2021.

5. Ben Is Back (8.5/10)
I love a solid dramatic film and 2019 lacked them noticeably. This one, though, was a ripper. Lucas Hedges is Ben, a drug addict who returns home claiming to be sober much to the disdain of his home town. His mother Holly (Julia Roberts) has to walk the line between wanting it to be true and knowing even if it is it won't last and dealing with the consequences. More of this in 2020 please!.

Honourable mentions: Coming in sixth was Green Book (8.5), which I noted was the year's first great film, Joker (8/10) would have gone higher in hindsight. Brilliant. Rocketman, Hotel Mumbai and Stan & Ollie (all 8/10) are worth seeing for different reasons too.

Surprise of the year: Parasite (7/10) - wouldn't have thought I'd find a Korean film so interesting and it could have gone higher had it not been far too long. It's essentially a story about a family living in poverty gradually taking over the lives of a rich family (hence the name).

Flop of the year (note I didn't see Cats): Us (5/10). Not remotely scary, or even gripping, with a twist you can see coming a mile off. Interesting enough premise, and solid lead performance, but in no way did it live up to the hype.

The film I wanted to like more: Knives Out (7.5/10) gained a respectable score and was quite an entertaining whodunnit. But the way it played out ultimately cost it the higher score I was expecting to give. Great cast, some excellent performances but just proved a bit too smart for its own good.

Letdowns: Most of them are remakes or belated sequels like Hobbs & Shaw, Rambo: Last Blood, Terminator: Dark Fate and Men In Black International (though I kinda expected it to be garbage).

What does 2020 hold? I really hope there are some hidden gems out there because the release list is looking very light on quality and high on more of those sequels/reboots. Wonder Woman 1984, Top Gun Maverick and Ghostbusters Afterlife come to mind. Fast & Furious 9 needs to be good too. There's also Black Widow, which I expect to be excellent, and The Eternals will be another risk for Marvel.

Simplifying isn't as simple as it sounds

Over the past month or so I've been consuming some information through various platforms about simplifying life, establishing good habits for myself and trying to enjoy the world more.
It's much easier said than done.
The plan has been to de-clutter my room as a start point and other areas of the house. Not made a lot of progress there so far.
I know I have some bad habits and I've been pretty successful (touch wood) so far in shaking off one of them, for the second time, but I guess I'm still in the danger zone.
I've been listening to the Minimalists podcasts since I watched their documentary which explains what minimalism is and how two guys changed from having lives of excess to, as they put it, living with less.
One idea that has stood out for me is that if you're trying to stop something then you need to stop surrounding yourself with it. I'm putting that idea into practice in one particular area.
There's no doubt that I must change things.
Why is it that the bad habits, or certainly unhelpful ones, stick to you like leeches and good habits slide off like you're made of teflon?
Recently I joined the gym and have so far made a good fist of going a few times a week. Small steps first. The gym is a place I don't feel comfortable in, there's still the 25 year old me inside that wants to look as good as most of the people I see in that place and he's hard to let go of.
In reality I can't be an extremely fit 25 year old ever. Not unless I invent, or come across, a time machine.
In a way it's hard to let go of that thought. I have a couple of restrictions that will make significant physical change in the gym difficult but hopefully over the next six months I can see some improvement.
I'm likely to move house some time in the new year so a bit of decluttering early on can only be a good thing. Undoubtedly I have plenty of 'things' I don't need, that don't give me any real joy or add value to life.
The biggest challenge I face is myself.
I was reading Mark Manson's book 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F**k' and aside from being very easy to read he makes a lot of sense in his own un-subtle way.
Some time ago I faced what I'd call a major life hurdle and I let it beat me for quite a number of years. In the book he talks about challenges and how we respond to them. Some people face them head on, and come through them stronger. Others (like me) let themselves be overpowered and as a result find things like change difficult to navigate.
Here's to the first step towards making change a little easier....

All talk, no action

It's funny how you can look back at what you've written previously, promised yourself I guess, and you realise that you did nothing about it.
All talk and no action.
So it seems I'm on a vicious circle posing as a merry-go-round.
This. Must. Stop. Here.
I've identified a few areas that have to change and, surprise surprise, they aren't new.
Thanks to an adverse reaction recently to trying something that was ill conceived in some ways I've gone back a few years. If only it were possible.
1. Attitude.
I've become a little grumpy, easily angered or annoyed, short fused if you will and it frustrates me greatly. Ultimately it is my reaction to outside forces that is responsible, not the forces themselves. Whether it is incompetence, apathy or ignorance of others it is up to me as to how I react.
And I react wrongly. I react in a way that only gets me flustered. This is not going to be an easy fix but I think it is the most important.
2. Focus
There are so many distractions out there. Quite often there are distractions from the things that distract us. Over the last year or so I've found my ability to focus on one task has diminished a bit and I feel it is the rise of many distractions that is contributing. Again this is not going to be an easy fix. Little things like taking the time to read the paper, read a novel will help.
3. Purpose
Am I interested in what I do? Sometimes I ask myself this question as it often seems like a real chore even though what I do for work is also a major hobby. Yes, I'm lucky in that respect and, given the number one problem, sometimes it is easy to forget that. But am I interested in anything else?
4. Straight and narrow
I've been battling a particular issue with gambling and at a time when I thought I had it right I ruined all the hard work I'd done and am back at square one with it. It serves no good purpose, and is one of the aforementioned distractions.
5. Don't be so afraid
Part of being in that vicious circle is it never lets you go until you force your way out. I haven't been good at that when it comes to particular worries/fears and it's proven costly in some respects.

That's a good start point. It's not easy to change but it's time to stop talking and to start some action.

Craig

Every now and then you meet someone that has a huge impact on your life.

You know that idea that people are around for a reason or a season etc etc?

Well, earlier, I was reminded of a friend whose name is Craig and to be honest I have no idea what he's up to now.

We fell out of contact a few years ago now, I guess it was, and I guess it is just one of those things that happens. In a way I always knew he was a 'season' friend, I always felt like he lived a life that was well above mine as he comes from an affluent background.

But for a good couple of years we were great friends and his friendship was one that was very valuable at a very tough time.

I won't go into the details of why.

I always enjoyed the times when we'd catch up over in the eastern suburbs, where he lived at the time, and we'd have dinner or go for a walk at Bondi beach and the conversation was significant. Craig's advice was priceless to me at the time and I took great encouragement in the friendship that we built up.

If we weren't able to catch up in a week we'd have these great conversations on the phone and, for a while, I really did miss them.

In a way he's a little responsible for the position I'm in now, in a very good way.

I'm sure he'd be married by now, unless his work life is as demanding as it used to be, and he could be anywhere from Sydney, the Gold Coast or overseas. I really don't know.

I also don't really mind.

That might sound bad but we have both moved on.

I hope life is good for you Craig. Cheers.

I'm bad at commitment

I've been looking back at what I've written here previously and I've concluded that I'm bad when it comes to committing to things.

It's almost ironic, for reasons that I know but am not going to put out there into the world.

Old habits die hard. Amen.

I thought I was going along nicely and then I allow one or two little slip ups to occur and I just flip back into the problem I was trying to beat. I will beat it, make no mistake.

I've seen clearly enough what it can do to a person to know I won't let it happen to me. At the same time that knowledge should have been enough to help more significantlly to this point.

It's all about choice

During my weekend away it occurred to me that I quite often make poor choices.

And having given it a little thought I have decided that I might have stumbled upon the meaning of life.

It has nothing to do with higher powers, not that I don't believe there is one, making contributions or good deeds, being a 'better person' or anything like that.

It's all about choice.

Now I know it is not a very well thought out argument and it is sure to be easily dismissed. But think about it.

Everything we do comes down to what we choose.

It's a little like one of those 'choose your own adventure' books you used to read as a kid. You reach a point in the story then you have to make a choice and that choice then leads in a certain direction and set of consequences.

Do you believe in fate or destiny? You should, because you are largely in control of that.

I don't buy the 'Sliding Doors' example so much because that allows too many 'what ifs' to come into the equation.

As I said I have developed a habit of making some poor choices. I know they are poor choices because of the way I feel afterwards. When you learn a lesson it is quite often done the hard way, come at some cost.

So given that I am responsible for my choices, and that means you are responsible for yours, then I only have myself to blame.

I concede it is a short sighted argument in some ways but it also makes a bit of sense. If I choose to gamble I should accept that I could lose, if I lose and choose to gamble more.....you get the idea.

It goes with all sorts of things, who you choose to associate with, what job you choose, who you choose to love, who you choose to sleep with, what you choose to believe, how you choose to live, what you choose to do with your time, what you choose to do with your money, etc.

For me, I have to start making choices conducive to a better life.

It means I have to commit to making sensible decisions about things like gambling, to ensure my lifestyle is healthy and limit the distractions from the responsibilities I have.

To have fun too.

I don't think it's about finding whatever you see as happiness. That's a flowery, somewhat indescribable, aim that never seems achievable. 

I think if you can be content with the choices you make then you're on the right track.

After all, isn't that what Dr Brown said at the end of the Back To The Future trilogy? 'Your future isn't written yet, no ones is. The future is what you make of it, so make yours a good one'.....

Surely that is the meaning of life, right?

Emotional time travel

I really dislike anxiety.
It's something I thought, at least in the back of my mind, that I was starting to get control of. Then something else comes up and I feel like I'm right back where I started all those years ago.
I don't know for sure that the anxiety is over nothing, at the moment it feels pretty real and it doesn't seem to matter that on an intellectual level I understand that what I fear probably won't come about.
That's the nature of anxiety, right? Fearing something bad is going to happen despite the fact you have reviewed the situation over and over and believe it will be all right.
It's what I think but the fear of the situation is almost overwhelming, worse than what I experienced when anxiety jumped its way onto my back and started weighing me down.
Yes, I am afraid. I think I will be fine but I can't know for sure straight away.
It's the waiting around that is the worst....there's nothing I can do about the situation now, I just have to wait and see. I try not to worry about it, sometimes I get distracted and that's great, but then it all comes flooding back.
I know that worrying and getting worked up about it doesn't help one bit, can't change any outcomes and just makes me feel bad. It makes me fixate even more. It's that whole vicious circle thing. It's almost like I've gone back in time.
There are a couple of milestones to pass but they seem to be so far away.
Why isn't acknowledging that anxiety is causing me trouble enough to make it go away? I do know the answer to that, incidentally.
I guess it is back to the drawing board, back to the books, back to the relaxation, get better at exercising regularly. Find something else to focus on.
It all sounds so easy in theory.

Stuck

Sheldon: I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?

The above quote from The Big Bang Theory was in my mind as I was thinking about this post. At the moment I feel kinda stuck.
I'm not particularly happy with some areas of life and while I'm not powerless to change some things it seems I am lacking in the willpower, or 'get up and go' required.
The first is some frustration in having actually gained weight since I started going to the gym late last year. I had hoped to lose 3-4kg instead I've put that on and a little bit more. Some of it admittedly can be contributed to increase is muscle tone (not that you can tell for the most part).
Part of the trouble is that I seem to keep injuring myself in the gym - straining my back is pretty common - and what I think needs to be done is to have a proper program organised so that I'm not overdoing it rather than doing things on an ad hoc basis.
General exercise is something I also must commit a bit more to. I used to love taking a walk on most days now I don't do it nearly as often. I'd also like to get to the pool a bit more.
The second thing involves my attitude to money.
I'm fortunate to have a good job and one that I enjoy but I haven't been as vigilant as I should be, especially given the way things have been going not only in the media but economically in general, with saving. I definitely have saved a bit this year but events in the past couple of months have seen me undo some of that good work.
I've set myself a little goal to save a certain amount before I head off on my next holiday in a few weeks time so hopefully I can stick with it. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I realise I've blown money I could have been using for something better - even for paying bills.
Then there's the fact that I am 37 and no closer to not being single than I was at 27. Don't get me wrong I'm enjoying the freedom that it allows and having some fun along the way but, ultimately, I wonder whether 'settling down' is for me. Are children for me?
There are a couple of other issues that remain in limbo, only solidifying the feeling of being stuck. One in particular would be so easy to shove along but I'm not sure if it is actually a good idea given one of my above points.
So I'm stuck not knowing which direction is forward, what decisions are the right ones to move forward and to shake the occasional feeling of discontent.

Here we go again

For once it isn't me that's going around in circles but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be taken along for the ride again.
It's hard enough to personally try and move forward.
While I still don't know what I want exactly, I do know that there is only so long you can hit your head against the wall before you work out it's doing you damage.
Am I in a position to change anything? Absolutely I am. However, I'm not overly willing to make knee-jerk reactions even though it is something that has been at the forefront of my thinking for a little while now.
Why the hesitation? Once you make changes you can't go back. I know that flies in the face of what I'm guessing I'm commenting on right now but they call it 'comfort' for a reason.
I'm trying hard to change a few things about myself and I'm finding that it isn't as easy in practice as it is in theory. No pain, no gain....that's pretty true. My pain thresh-hold when it comes to some things isn't overly high, though.
I recently watched the classic 1980 film The Blues Brothers (for the first time, I might add) and what struck me was that I really don't allow myself to have much fun.
To keep the movie references going, there's a scene in Six Degrees Of Separation where a two sided Kandinsky painting is held up and described as representing Chaos and Control. I like the illusion of being in control.

Turmoil

OK, this is going to be a bit personal.
I'm not really sure where I am at the moment, things are a bit strange. I could argue that some of it is not necessarily bad or unsettling, but it is significant.
It's been a while since I've experienced thoughts and feelings like I have recently (I should note, I'm not talking anything negative here) and not only has it come as a surprise it's causing a bit of turmoil.
That's an interesting word, really.
In some respects it's awesome that I can feel like this, for a long while I kind of felt numb or at least indifferent.
Perhaps getting off the anti-depressants, if only for a little while, was a good thing to do.
But the problem is that I don't know what to do with all this. And I don't know what I'm looking for, if anything at all.
Where should my energies be directed? I've spent a lot of time trying to work it out in my head and it just seems to get harder.
I have to say in one way all this is pretty great, if difficult to compartmentalise. I don't really do that, though, put things in different segments - perhaps that's another issue.
I think I'm rambling a bit now. In a way it's a good problem to have.
There are other side issues that need to be addressed, but I was hoping at least one or two of them would work themselves out naturally. Seemingly, though, this hasn't been the case.
So there are a couple of things in a bit of limbo and changes I'm in some ways ready to make but in other ways a fair way off considering. Perhaps July 1 isn't the day to be comprehending that.
I just wonder in what exciting direction this experience could take me....

A better life

When I was a teenager I'd often wonder what other people's lives were like as I walked past houses, particularly ones that looked better than mine.
I also daydreamed about living in the USA, I'd imagined that over there a better life was certain. That idea largely came from the fact that my TV died comprised a lot of American dramas - 90210, Party Of Five etc.
I think that wondering has stayed with me because I still look at other people and surmise that their lives must be better. Sure that is a very superficial assessment.
I don't have it bad. In fact I'm sure that there are a whole heap of people who would like to have had the opportunities that I have.
Small comfort, sometimes, though.
Then I think, what would it be like now if I had done some things differently. What if I'd decided to start working out when I was 16?
What if I had gone to a different university and done a different course? (That one would change things considerably I would suggest, but I have to say I do enjoy my job!).
I could keep listing questions and dwelling over possible 'sliding doors' moments. It won't get me anywhere.
If I want things to change I have to instigate them, take control of where I am heading as best as one can.
At least then I can't sit back and wonder what might have been.....

The 2011 Raymo Awards

It's that time again and in 2011 I saw a total of 40 films at the movies, and I have to say that the overall quality was very good.

We had three 9/10s, one 8.5 and 11 8/10s so that's pretty good. There were also a few very low scores with eight scored of 6.5 or lower (down to a 2/10).

A bit like in 2010, the real highlights came in some stunning performances, particularly from Ryan Gosling who as far as I'm concerned put in two five-star efforts in two very different films. Anyway, here is my 2011 in review....

1. 127 Hours
This is the true story of adventurer Aron Ralston who was forced to sever his arm to free himself from being trapped in a cave. It's in some ways a gruesome tale but a brilliant performance by James Franco as Ralston keeps you fixated on the story. It was a believable portrayal of a story that is both shocking and inspiring. A narrow, but deserved, winner.
2. The King's Speech
This was actually the first film I saw in 2011. The story of King George VI (father of Queen Elizabeth) and his struggle with public speaking due to a rather embarrassing stutter and the man who helps him overcome it. Again, a great cast with Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter and also Guy Pearce. At the start of last year I raved about this as the likely film of the year but it has been topped, just, by Franco's star turn.
3. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Another one with James Franco as the star. He plays a scientist working on a cure for Alzheimer's, in order to cure his father (John Lithgow) of the disease. His treatment, when tested on apes, has surprising results but also grave ramifications for the population. This prequel to Planet Of The Apes was one of the surprises of the year for me, having been underwhelmed by the remake of the original a few years back. Franco is again excellent and Lithgow, as usual, is a scene stealer. Loved it and clearly one of the best of the year.
4. Unstoppable
When I looked back through my ratings I was surprised that this one made the top five but it is better than the average of its type of film. With Denzel Washington and Chris Pine, this one carried a pretty simple premise - runaway train heading for disaster - but was so well executed it was riveting and the two stars were magnetic. With a soundtrack that kept up the tension it was one of the more enjoyable movie experiences.
5. The Ides Of March
Ryan Gosling is headed for an Oscar, surely, this year. In this political drama, Gosling plays a strategist on the campaign for president by George Clooney's Governor who is both the player and the played in an under rated film. Not high on tension, its strength is in the performances of the outstanding cast with Paul Giamatti and Philip Seymour Hoffman (two personal faves) fantastic as always. Gosling puts in a five star performance, as he did in the movie Drive which just missed out on the top five.

Honourable mentions: Drive (deceptively understated), Captain America, The Smurfs, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2, Tintin and Scream 4.
Surprise Of The Year: Burlesque - I expected a 'bad but good' musical and instead found it to be one of the better musicals in recent years. Have to mention The Inbetweeners Movie - outrageous but very, very funny and I really expected it to be crap (though wouldn't have if I had seen the TV show first).
Flop Of The Year: Jack & Jill - Dear Adam Sandler, please realise we are no longer in the 1990s and you can't get away with the same old jokes any more.
I was also disappointed with Cars 2 while Immortals is the new record holder for lowest score getting a huge 2 out of 10.

This year promises to be very interesting. What I'm looking forward to the move are the finale to the Twilight series, the next Batman film and The Avengers. Hopefully there will be a few surprises in store and some more unforgettable acting. See you at the movies....

The hollow man

In the middle of everything that is going on in the world something occurred to me recently that in some way shocked me and in another way came as no surprise.
I can't feel anything.
No, I haven't been suddenly struck numb. I haven't lost my sense of touch but I think my inner sense of feeling has been eroded.
When it comes to myself I can feel all things. When it comes to external things it seems all I can come up with is what amounts to 'meh'. I know when something that is supposed to elicit some kind of emotion happens I can acknowledge it but am rarely physically affected.
It's almost like I've been desensitised to anything outside my existence. It's also a very scary thought.
The best way to describe it is kind of a hollow feeling.
I've discovered this, I guess, through a number of pretty hollow pursuits over the past few months. Among other things.
As I sit here and type I can feel all manner of things going on inside me, some I have become accustomed to and some I am perennially tortured by, but when it comes to the mind and the heart they are seemingly indifferent.
No small part of this has to be a result of a number of years on anti-depressants. These little white pills are very effective is getting you down to a moderate level and keeping you there. But that's the trouble, you're in this seemingly endless pattern of no real highs and no real big lows and it is really ticking me off.
I have tried a couple of times to taper off them but so far they have won. Seemingly I struggle when I reach a certain level and just can't seem to get beyond it.
If one thing is for sure - I don't want to be hollow.

Regression

If there is one thing I don't want it is to go backwards.
Without question I have come a long way in the past few years but what seems clear is that my reaction to certain things seems to be the same.
Or at least very close to the same, the over reaction that allows my mind to run away with itself before considering more logical explanations.
I know I have learned a lot, not only about myself but also practical things that can be used in situations where over reaction is possible. I have pushed myself, tried things I had been afraid to try before and travelled when only a few years ago I had very narrow boundaries.
In some of these things I have gained the confidence to continue - but there were a few moments last Friday where I admit I thought I could be back at square one.
Not only was that a scary thought at the time the prospect of going back there is, quite frankly, haunting. But as I said previously, I am tired of being afraid.

Half living

'A life lived in fear is a life half lived'.

It's a quote from the movie Strictly Ballroom, a classic film in its own right and a line that could not be any truer.
Particularly for me.
I am tired of living in fear. It's easy to say that you should just not be afraid any more but that is far too simplistic.
What am I afraid of? That is something that is hard to define - I am afraid of losing my freedom, that my health scare of six years ago now is just waiting to come back and get me.
I had a startling reminder of this a few days back.
I thought I had passed blood in the bathroom and I kinda went cold and numb for a second at the thought of it and what it would mean.
Long story short it wasn't blood but jam that had been discarded in the bowl and had not flushed completely away. It was a massive relief to say the least but the feeling has stuck with me to an extent.
It was an illustration that what happened there is a possibility, though not a likelihood at this stage, that it could one day be a reality.
A bout of what I think was food poisoning a day earlier didn't help, either.
I fell back to old habits, thinking that if it were real then there were all these things I had planned that I wouldn't be able to do - things I had been looking forward to.
Anyway, I will get a clearer picture on where all that stands at the end of the month when I have my about 2-yearly look through assessing my inner health - you know what I mean.
Now the last two of those have been excellent and, really, there is no reason why I should think that this time will be any different. I could get picky about a couple of small things but, largely, I am doing pretty well.
Having committed myself to go to the gym as much as possible is also helping and I have noticed some differences. Hopefully as my physical body strengthens my mind can as well.
I often think it is funny that what scares me are things from within and not external things. It's almost like my phobia about magpies.
But that's another story.
I have taken some rather large steps this year and another one will be taken later this month, an achievement that I thought impossible a few years ago is now something I am looking forward to with some vigor.

Ten years ago

Just like most people, I'm acutely aware of what I was doing 10 years ago when the world changed.
It wasn't anything particularly important, so I thought. I was with a friend and we were watching my appearance on Wheel Of Fortune, that he had missed, having spent the earlier part of the evening listening to a talk on 'Significant events of our time'. True.
How could we have known that easily the most significant event of our generation, and I'd say a few before us, was about to unfold before our eyes.
Half way through an episode of Wheel my friend received a phone call - 'turn on the TV' was the message. We didn't turn it off for hours.
Part of me wanted to rush into the newsroom to watch it unfold but, of course, you couldn't look away and a 40 minute drive wasn't going to happen.
I still don't know how I feel about the whole event even 10 years later. It has been called 'The Day Reality Changed Forever'. Certainly the world is not the same place. People feel less safe, like there is always something around the corner waiting to strike again.
I sincerely hope nothing strikes.
I'm afraid of a number of things but I can't imagine what was going through the minds of the people stuck in the towers - some of whom chose to jump out of windows - and if they even got a chance to comprehend what was happening.
I hope I never see such a callous act of inhumanity again.

Interpretations

I was having a conversation with someone recently relating to following what the Bible says.
While I am very much on the other side of the church fence at the moment it's always been my belief that, while some interpretation can be made, if you are a believer then you follow the word of God.
What surprised me was the view that just because it says something in there you can interpret it pretty much to suit yourself.
What puzzles me is if that is true then what importance does the word of God have to you?
If you believe the Bible is the word of God but that it can be twisted to suit yourself then what are you actually believing in - some kind of user-friendly deity that makes you feel better that you can say you follow without having to commit to it?
Sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Now I must say that I don't think the person I was talking with about this believes in this way and I think I made a valid point.
If the Bible says you shouldn't steal and you believe the Bible is the word of God then it follows that you shouldn't steal. You can't get around that.
Sure there are plenty of contextual things in the book but if everything is open for interpretation then what are you actually supposed to believe?

Take a chance

Take a chance
Let down your guard
Try something new
Trust in a stranger
Believe in chance encounters
Satisfy a longing
Give in to temptation....almost

Misled and cheated
Confusing and messy
What to believe?
Distraction, disruption, disinterest
Picture of deceit
Shattered dream of future life
All from taking a chance