Regression

If there is one thing I don't want it is to go backwards.
Without question I have come a long way in the past few years but what seems clear is that my reaction to certain things seems to be the same.
Or at least very close to the same, the over reaction that allows my mind to run away with itself before considering more logical explanations.
I know I have learned a lot, not only about myself but also practical things that can be used in situations where over reaction is possible. I have pushed myself, tried things I had been afraid to try before and travelled when only a few years ago I had very narrow boundaries.
In some of these things I have gained the confidence to continue - but there were a few moments last Friday where I admit I thought I could be back at square one.
Not only was that a scary thought at the time the prospect of going back there is, quite frankly, haunting. But as I said previously, I am tired of being afraid.

Ten years ago

Just like most people, I'm acutely aware of what I was doing 10 years ago when the world changed.
It wasn't anything particularly important, so I thought. I was with a friend and we were watching my appearance on Wheel Of Fortune, that he had missed, having spent the earlier part of the evening listening to a talk on 'Significant events of our time'. True.
How could we have known that easily the most significant event of our generation, and I'd say a few before us, was about to unfold before our eyes.
Half way through an episode of Wheel my friend received a phone call - 'turn on the TV' was the message. We didn't turn it off for hours.
Part of me wanted to rush into the newsroom to watch it unfold but, of course, you couldn't look away and a 40 minute drive wasn't going to happen.
I still don't know how I feel about the whole event even 10 years later. It has been called 'The Day Reality Changed Forever'. Certainly the world is not the same place. People feel less safe, like there is always something around the corner waiting to strike again.
I sincerely hope nothing strikes.
I'm afraid of a number of things but I can't imagine what was going through the minds of the people stuck in the towers - some of whom chose to jump out of windows - and if they even got a chance to comprehend what was happening.
I hope I never see such a callous act of inhumanity again.

Air of change

Snap decisions aren't really my forte so this is something I'll mull over for a while...
I've been getting the sense for a while now that things need to change in some areas, not necessarily internally because we all know that's gotta happen as well.
There isn't any particular reason for these thoughts and it's not the first time I've considered them either, but maybe this year is the year to act.
Again, I'm not really sure.
I could easily change my thinking on it, that can happen as well. Which is why snap decisions aren't a good idea.
Definitely need more of a positive aura around me.
Maybe it could be counter-productive, maybe it could be exactly what I need.
Perhaps the first thing to do would be to work harder on changing my way of thinking because that's screwing me around more than anything else at the moment.
I seem to be all over the place and at the whim of my (usually unhelpful) thoughts.
Around in circles is the usual pattern, if only I reach the day when I can break out of the circle.

The big H

We all have things that irk us from time to time, call them pet peeves or those little things people do that rub you up the wrong way.....
Well, one of mine is hypocrisy.
Particularly when it comes to a person's core beliefs or public persona. In politics they often call it a 'conflict of interest' to make it sound a bit less severe.
Most of the time it is related to actions that are highly acceptable in general but when compared with the public profile seem against one's perceived agenda.
Like white lies, I guess, some hypocrisy can be meaningless. I have to stick my hand up and say I have erred on the side of the big H. For example, I was actively against Facebook but eventually fell under its spell and quite enjoy using it.
Sure, it was a shade hypocritical but nobody was hurt.
But this isn't the pot calling the kettle black. More like apples and oranges.

Stocktake

At least I have made an effort in some respects to change things.
I actually went to the gym last week. It's a completely foreign environment to me but fortunately the other people that were there at the time (in the work gym) were people I know to a reasonable extent so it wasn't so bad.
It was a good start. The bad thing about the gym is that you feel great for the rest of the day then sore for a day or two afterwards! No pain no gain, hey.
I am also trying to rein in a couple of other habits that are becoming troublesome. One more than the other.
The big issue remains the same - fear. Though, I am still not sure what the fear is of exactly.
I once described it as a fear of living.
I don't know whether it is this general feeling of unease that is actually causing more issues than anything else. It's clear that my tolerance for some things is very low.
Whenever I feel something strange it's usually in the stomach area and then I'll jump to a conclusion that it has to be something serious and, potentially, life threatening.
As you can see this is not a very helpful way to think.
Like most people in our world today, I want things to be fixed straight away. We're an instant gratification society and patience is hard to grasp.
It's not only that I need to change. I want to change, I want things to be different.

Positives

I had a pretty big week, work wise, this week - so much so that I was really feeling it come Thursday afternoon. I think I did a good job of recovering that evening, with a lot of relaxation happening.
It is a real positive that I can come through something like that in good shape, similar to the week where I travelled interstate three times in six days.
The next big positive I am after is the results of my latest tests later next week. They've never been overly alarming but I have noticed a few different things this time around. Perhaps they are insignificant and can be explained simply.
There is always the lingering fear that there is something really serious (that I don't already know about) lying undiscovered and that fear is screwing my head up something royal.
My exercise plans have so far been unrealised, I do sporadic bouts but nothing as consistent as I had hoped - and that is to my own detriment. I really must do more things that are good for me in general, like going for walks, instead of things that feel good in theory but in practice just make you feel worse.
Committing to being good to yourself shouldn't be so hard, should it?

Thoughts for the day

I'm not very good at helping myself out when it comes to thinking constructively.
On and off over the last few days I have had some odd stomach aches, not pains and not sharp ones and maybe it is some bloating. That's the best I can come up with. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it.
When it comes to tummy issues I am super-hyper-sensitive and it really screws with my thoughts. As a regular thing I will jump to the worst possible conclusion first.
Like a lot of people the thought of any type of cancer is a scary one.
However, I have no symptoms of anything even remotely like that yet it still crosses my mind a few times a day at least.
By worrying about that at times it can do my head right in for a while.
What I have felt this week is not unlike something that occurred about five months ago and it came and went after a time. There is nothing to suggest that this isn't similar.
I have little tolerance for illness - it's like I think that I am not supposed to be unwell at all ever. I'm no different to anyone else, and will contract bugs and colds etc from time to time. Maybe it is all compounded by being a guy - we're apparently sooks when we get sick.
So instead of dealing with the minor issue at hand I seem to have to try and deal with a major issue that is a distant, remote possibility at the very, very worst.
How is this helping me? It isn't. Changing the way you think is not an easy one - I have been trying for a few years now and am obviously going to have to work harder and be much more vigilant.
It's like that add that describes building willpower as being like building muscles. The more you exercise them the stronger they get. I must exercise correct and more positive thoughts if I am to get any stronger.

Jumping off cliffs

Of course it is a metaphor, but I really need to learn to stop jumping off the cliff when something seemingly minor comes along.
I tend to have a very low tolerance for a few things and when they occur I always head straight for worst possible scenario. And it really does the head in sometimes.
It doesn't help being your own worst enemy when it comes to your mental health, let alone physical. I've found that when the first suffers then the second suffers but, more alarmingly, it is when the second suffers first that it really hits the first. If you follow that logic.
Gotta change.....

You'll never know

I went to church tonight for the first time in a while.
Fortunately, it was a very positive experience and I met some very nice people. That's encouraging to start.
I was quite taken by the guy leading the music in the way he was so open and just poured his heart out with the words he said. I admire that and took the opportunity to tell him that and how he responded was significant - we're all broken, there's no-one here who is perfect, but he's with 'family' and that love is brought out in various ways.
It wasn't a long conversation but hopefully there will be more.
Why did I go to church? It's been on my mind for a while now and I hope tonight can be the start of some change for me.
The message was an excellent one, about how you'll never grow if you don't push yourself (termed as 'go') and I think I only yawned once during the sermon (which would be a personal record I'd say).
I'll consider going again next week. I need some stability in certain areas and from what I experienced tonight I think there is a chance I can find it in this way.

Numbness

It's amazing what a good TV show can do to you.
I felt a strange sense of numbness as I watched Packed To The Rafters tonight, in the wake of the death of a major character last week.
For quite a while I wondered what it was about the episode that felt wrong. Different. And it wasn't until the end I realised it was because I felt the same way Ben Rafter (Hugh Sheridan) did throughout the episode. Numb. It was all surreal and the producers and actors did an excellent job of portraying that. And Hugh was a standout.
It was uncomfortable to watch. I really wanted to give Ben a big hug.
From the trailer for the season finale next week it looks like the emotions are going to be running high again.
To recap, last week we had shock (albeit a predictable one as it went on), this week we had numbness, it looks like next week we're going to have an emotional explosion.

The Pros and Cons of Change

We all like to think that we can adapt to change when it happens, but sometimes I wonder when it comes to the really big changes.
Continuity and consistency is hugely under rated, I think.
But what happens when you wake up one day and realise that the comfortable little world you exist in is actually slowly suffocating you?
I reckon that when it comes to life's big changes I an horribly unprepared. Sure, it is hard to prepare for something that you don't know is coming but I think you know what I mean.
My reflexes tend to take a bit of time. When I hit a speed bump it can slow me down. There are times that I feel like a deer staring at the headlights, stunned, when something comes up.
Rarely do I take things in my stride. Minor things, changes of plan for example, are no issue at all.
We all like to think things will stay the same forever, particularly if life is just swimming along nicely. That is an incredibly naive outlook, though.
What if you actively want to change something? Initiating change is still a bit scary because even though you may desire something to be different once it is different how often do you want things back the way they were? I know that's happened to me a few times.
But if you don't do something how are you going to experience a whole bunch of wonderful things out there in the world?
Makes you think....

Things change

I've noticed a change in dynamic lately.
Whether I like it or not I'm not completely sure at the moment.
Some things remain the same.
Other things have changed.
More thought is required.

Theory disproven

I've been doing a few more tests on a theory I have had for a while and I have to conclude that the best option is to let it go.
It's one thing to be persistent or to not give up but my theory is never going to happen so I guess you can only bash your head against a wall for so long. It's starting to hurt so I'd better stop.
Probably a few bouts of denial led me to push on with it for as long as I have.
Just a little disappointing but I should focus on other things now.
It's just so f**king childish. So f**king paranoid, I don't get it.
Never will.
Nothing's going to change.
End of story.

Underestimation

I'm pretty sure I have underestimated how tough it would be to get off these darn anti-depressants.
Perhaps I've rushed it in reducing the dose because over the last few days I've had recurring headaches and a few other little things that lead me to believe I have been a bit hasty.
I'm actually just under two weeks ahead of the schedule so maybe I should try and stabilise for those couple of weeks and then look to reduce further.
It's frustrating because I really want to be not taking them, and that is over-riding the suspicion that I might actually still need them.

Anatomy of a good handshake

If there's one thing I appreciate it's a good solid handshake.

That may seem a strange thing to appreciate, but a person's handshake can tell you so much about them.

A few people I know have amazing handshakes.

They convey a lot of unspoken things.

There's a guy I know called Murray.

The first time I met him I was taken aback by his handshake because it was so different. It was firm, but not hand-breaking, and it gave me a very positive feeling. I actually mentioned to him how I appreciated his handshake and he said having a good handshake was something he was taught as a younger person.

Now, that was more than a year ago so my comments come from hindsight as I now know a bit more about him.

With the carnival being on for the last few weeks I've seen him every week and when I was leaving on Saturday we got into a conversation about a few things, football, plans for the rest of the weekend, etc.

After a rather ordinary first attempt at a farewell handshake we got it right, and I actually commented to him that I'd miss our weekly handshakes!

I don't know what it is but if I get a handshake that feels forced or doesn't encompass the hand properly it makes me wonder. I do get a few that make me wonder from time to time.

So I'd say next time someone shakes your hand have a think about what it is telling you, you might discover something you didn't realise before.

Kids caught up in the Storm

Aside from all the legal and moral implications of the Melbourne Storm's salary cap rorting, there's a big problem facing thousands of people across the eastern seaboard.
How do you explain this to the kids out there that run around in their Storm gear?
My eight-year-old nephew almost lives in his Storm jersey, he loves Billy Slater and follows the team closely.
How is he expected to understand why his team won't be able to win the premiership this year, why the 2007 and 2009 premierships have now been stripped and the intricacies of the matter.
Hopefully, if anything, he can be taught a lesson in cheating and in fairness and the consequences of what happens when you do wrong.
It's a pretty heartbreaking way to learn them though, to have a team and players you idolise now internationally embarrassed and their name, if not branded, associated with cheating.
For me, I'm a bit of a fan of the Storm. They're my second team after the Knights and one of my favourite players in the game is from Melbourne. I hope he's not one of the players who was receiving whatever bonuses were handed out.
I'm sure we'll find out in the coming days. It doesn't take long for the media to name names.

Truth is a double-edged sword

If I learned one thing this week it is this.
You can portray the truth (or honesty) as being something that is crucial in any relationship, be it with a work colleague, friend, partner, whatever. But if you do you have to be prepared that the truth might not be what you thought it was. Or what you'd hoped.
I learned a few truths this week and, fortunately, they were learned somewhere in the middle of the 'easy way' and the 'hard way'.
I learned one particular truth about myself. Well it was something I kind of already knew but tend to fail to acknowledge most of the time.
As always there is damage when you're honest and upfront. It's just a matter of whether the wound was just superficial, if it will heal or if it will bleed.

Why is it a Bunny?

On the way to the shop to grab the newspaper this morning I came across a rabbit.
He or she was just minding its own business on the side of the pavement in front of an area of scrub and trees. It was pretty tame, or at least not jumpy at all, and I stood there for a few minutes watching it.
As I went on my way I wondered why is a rabbit, or bunny, the symbol of Easter?
And why do they deliver eggs? Rabbits can't lay eggs, chickens do. So why isn't it the Easter Chook?
I consulted the all knowing Wikipedia for some answers.
Apparently bringing eggs is a tradition that began in Germany in the 1600s. Because Easter falls in the spring in the northern hemisphere the rabbit, or hare, became a symbol due to its prolific breeding habits. Just like at Christmas, apparently only good children received eggs at Easter.
Of course these practices have become commercialised to the point that Easter Eggs are available for purchase shortly after Christmas.
I'm not entirely sure I'm satisfied with the origin of the Easter Bunny and it's actually quite disturbing that a rabbit delivers eggs for you to eat.
It's a good thing that they're generally pretty cute creatures - but, still, it's a bit icky.

Oh, by the way this was my 800th post. Can't believe it.

Smoke & Mirrors

It's been a long time coming but the new Lifehouse CD Smoke & Mirrors was worth the wait.

The fifth album by the under-rated Americans, best known for their debut hit Hanging By A Moment, is another testament to Jason Wade's ability as a songwriter.

(As most people will be aware, I recently wrote about how crap music is these days so this is a welcome change from the trend).

Just like the previous album Who We Are this one takes a couple of songs to really hit its straps with Had Enough, the Chris Daughtry collaboration the first highlight.

The single release Halfway Gone isn't the greatest Lifehouse song out there but it has had this knack of sticking in my head lately.

The supreme moment on the album comes in the special song From Where You Are, released in the US as part of a safe driving campaign. It's a touching song about the time 'erased' when you lose someone through a road accident.

It deserved to be a massive hit.

The title track Smoke & Mirrors is a real grower. I like the analogy about a relationship once all the illusions are gone (the 'smoke and mirrors').

There's one song that is on the deluxe version of the album but because that wasn't available I downloaded it. The song is called Crash And Burn and it shouldn't be confused with the Savage Garden classic.

The Savage Garden song was an ode to friendship, Wade's song covers the topic from a different perspective. He sings about the comfort of knowing he has support.

Lifehouse don't disappoint despite the fact they rarely trouble the charts. And this is the fifth time they have released a listenable album and importantly one that grows with you.

It's at least as good as their fourth and better than their second album and the fact I added 10 songs from this one onto my ipod shows how much it appealed on first listen.

Howzat

With a lacklustre cricket season out of the way I have to say I am looking forward to the start of the footy competitions.
While I follow rugby league more than AFL I do enjoy seeing how Victorians really love their game. Next weekend I'm heading to Melbourne (for the races) but the AFL's pre-season competition will be nearing its end and I remember last year being amazed at seeing the semi-finals of a pre-season comp airing on prime time TV.
That's how much they love it.
I think that the people who run cricket really ought to look at rugby league, and AFL to a lesser extent, and see that people enjoy a competition. Sure, some people go to or watch the cricket because they love it but, really, nobody enjoys a one sided game and that's what we have had this summer aside from one test match that Pakistan somehow managed to lose when they had it in the bag.
So, bring on the footy!