Getting Off The Carousel

In Australia we call them merry go rounds, I'm using the term carousel in reference to a song I've always liked and that seemingly takes on more significance each year.

The song, of course, is Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse (my favourite band - I'd love some new music guys).

Here's some of the lyrics:

"I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down, I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground, I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this.

"So when will this end, It goes on and on, Over and over and over again, Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop, Till I step down from this for good."

So I've been going around and around for far too long. I want to change, not just lifestyle but outlook and attitude. Let me tell you it's hard.

It hasn't helped that at this stage of the pandemic, despite Australia being in a fantastic position compared to many places around the world, things have taken a bit of a dark turn. I've had a couple of weeks of leave and at times have sunk a bit low.

This week I have tried to drag myself out of it and it is helping to a degree but I don't think it matters how much work I do, if I return to the same place I'm only going wind up back there at some point along the way.

You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results?!

I don't pretend it is going to be easy because to change you need to let go of things you're holding onto. There are a few things in particular I'm holding onto that must be released.

Chief among them is fear. Fear of living, it seems.

Someone I know who has been through a serious health battle said in an interview today that releasing fear from their body was a big part of getting on top of things.

I've often thought about what fear is doing to me. I might expand on that at another time.

To quote the song again - "I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong".

Simplifying isn't as simple as it sounds

Over the past month or so I've been consuming some information through various platforms about simplifying life, establishing good habits for myself and trying to enjoy the world more.
It's much easier said than done.
The plan has been to de-clutter my room as a start point and other areas of the house. Not made a lot of progress there so far.
I know I have some bad habits and I've been pretty successful (touch wood) so far in shaking off one of them, for the second time, but I guess I'm still in the danger zone.
I've been listening to the Minimalists podcasts since I watched their documentary which explains what minimalism is and how two guys changed from having lives of excess to, as they put it, living with less.
One idea that has stood out for me is that if you're trying to stop something then you need to stop surrounding yourself with it. I'm putting that idea into practice in one particular area.
There's no doubt that I must change things.
Why is it that the bad habits, or certainly unhelpful ones, stick to you like leeches and good habits slide off like you're made of teflon?
Recently I joined the gym and have so far made a good fist of going a few times a week. Small steps first. The gym is a place I don't feel comfortable in, there's still the 25 year old me inside that wants to look as good as most of the people I see in that place and he's hard to let go of.
In reality I can't be an extremely fit 25 year old ever. Not unless I invent, or come across, a time machine.
In a way it's hard to let go of that thought. I have a couple of restrictions that will make significant physical change in the gym difficult but hopefully over the next six months I can see some improvement.
I'm likely to move house some time in the new year so a bit of decluttering early on can only be a good thing. Undoubtedly I have plenty of 'things' I don't need, that don't give me any real joy or add value to life.
The biggest challenge I face is myself.
I was reading Mark Manson's book 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F**k' and aside from being very easy to read he makes a lot of sense in his own un-subtle way.
Some time ago I faced what I'd call a major life hurdle and I let it beat me for quite a number of years. In the book he talks about challenges and how we respond to them. Some people face them head on, and come through them stronger. Others (like me) let themselves be overpowered and as a result find things like change difficult to navigate.
Here's to the first step towards making change a little easier....

Self improvement drive

Friends, now is the time to get serious. Actually, it's well past the time but better late than never.
After a discussion with a mate last week I've decided to have a red hot go at making improvements and shaking off the bad habits.
I'm not going to set a particular day to day plan right now, that may come later, as it is not a 'specific number of days' challenge.
1. Learn how to be good to yourself. This means put some effort into looking after myself physically, mentally and aesthetically. The latter is a strange one, but it basically means pay a bit of attention to grooming. Present well.
2. Tidy up. My room is a bit of a mess and it probably is a reflection of where things are.
3. Exercise. I'm never going to be a buff gym toned Adonis but I can make an effort to be better. I don't know why it is so easy to fall out of the habit of something as simple and good for you as exercise. Sure, I've had injury issues recently and that's starting to have an effect via lack of conditioning, but it should be a no-brainer.
4. Try new things. I went to the theatre the other night and it's something I should consider doing a bit more of.
5. Don't be ashamed. Speaks for itself really.
6. Shed bad habits. Probably unrealistic to say I won't have any bad habits but I do need to make a big effort to stop gambling on the machines. I know you can't win and I have had periods of abstinence but I can do better than that.
7. Do things I enjoy.
8. Learn to talk more. I tend to be on the quiet side most of the time, it's almost like I don't know how to do small talk and it is a hindrance in social situations.

Let's see how I go. Surely it can only be good for me.
Feel free to offer any suggestions or encouragements or anecdotes.

A new me in 2014

We all make meaningless resolutions around New Year's and I sincerely hope that this doesn't fall into that category.

Things are going to change for me in 2014.

I am making a concerted effort to live a healthier lifestyle, not just physically but overall.

I have set a goal of losing 5kg by my birthday, which is three months away, and I think that is an achievable goal. Ideally that number should be closer to 10 but I want to be realistic given the trepidation I have had about weight loss in recent years (and that is a completely different story).

So somewhere between those two numbers would be great, it would make me feel a bit more comfortable and give me encouragement.

To do this I must commit to the gym. I don't for a second think that I could become what society sees as 'buff' but the only way is up, really.

To make this change I must take a different approach to food and exercise.

Eat less, move more. It is a simple philosophy. I don't think I need to eat too much less, though, it is more what I am eating. So I am changing what I eat, ditching snacks like biscuits, and making fruit my friend.

To be realistic I will allow myself the occasional indulgence, such as dinner with the guys once a week.

It's not because I am closing on 40, which isn't next year by the way, but I do realise that as you get older you need to look after yourself more.

I also vow to enjoy myself, instead of feeling bad when I do things I perceive as bad for me. I know that it is fun, and I enjoy it for the most part.

No empty promises here, this is something that has to happen.

Wish me luck!

Psychobabble

It's been a while since I last posted anything but that's largely from a desire to take a break and decide whether I want to keep doing this.
I've decided that I do.
In the past couple of months I've given a lot of thought to where I'm heading in life.
I know it's a big question to ask yourself, I don't know how many people consciously do it though I suspect many do.
Aside from the larger topics of work, happiness or contentment, relationships I've decided that I must place a larger emphasis on health, specifically, exercise and fitness.
I don't think I'm ever going to reach the stage where I'm considered 'buff, athletic or even toned' but so long as I feel comfortable (as opposed to uncomfortable at the moment) with my physical appearance then I'll be happy.
In many ways I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been but what has crept up on me, and I have alluded to it now and then, is the fact that a bit of weight has crept on and I have reached a stage where it is noticeable and uncomfortable. (You know, your clothes don't fit quite as well etc).
For other health reasons, I have always feared losing weight. As silly as that may sound it is completely true.
I've paid little attention to the fact that I've put on weight in the past 12 months or so because it has never worried me, whereas losing it has.
(If you really want to know why feel free to ask but trust me it's a legitimate, if not completely logical, fear).
Now I must push past the psychobabble and actually drop some weight. And that, if you've ever had weight issues, is something that is not as easy as it sounds, despite the prevalence of weight loss shows and fad diets these days.
I should know, I've done it once before and it is as simple as this - move more, eat less.
While the philosophy is simple, the practice isn't because it involves changing habits that you have slipped into. It means making sure you go for a decent walk every day and being more conscious about the amounts of food you eat as well as what you eat.
I can't just go running to the gym because whenever I go there I tend to wind up injuring myself of overdoing it. So the plan at the moment is to make the lighter exercise a habit, a consistent part of life, again and start to feel the difference. Then I'll know it is time to start going to the gym again to build on it.
For my height, a weight of around 90-95kg would be considered pretty well in the healthy range. It will take a while to reach that I think - while I won't divulge my current weight here I'll say that I certainly don't need to lose 20kg to make that mark.
I actually must stay off the scales for a little while, and you shouldn't weigh yourself every day anyway.
I have made a start. I had a good walk on Saturday and Tuesday and today (Wednesday). I was out out of town on Sunday and Monday but I spent a good portion of that on my feet (though did attend a dinner and lunch so that probably cancels itself out).
Hopefully within a couple of months I'll start to see a difference. A few weeks would be a good encouragement but it is something that takes time. Wish me luck!

Braces

I'm finally doing it. Some six or so years after first investigating it, and there were pretty decent circumstances as to why I didn't pursue it then, I'll be getting braces in a bit over a week.
It is necessary as well as desirable.
My teeth are something that I've never been happy with and I didn't have any trouble making the decision to go ahead when my dentist recommended I look into it again.
While I don't expect to come out of it with movie star perfect teeth the end result will be a big improvement on what I have currently.
It's not cheap but fortunately you don't have to pay it all upfront so that makes it much more affordable.
And while it isn't cheap it is definitely worth it. It's going to be interesting having them on and dealing with food and things, might feel like a teenager for a while!

Out of focus

It's really time that I got a bit of direction.
Sure, I've been coasting along reasonably well (considering a few things) and could quite easily continue that way. But I think I'll look back in five years or so and wish I'd handled things differently.
I certainly feel that way about myself five years ago at the moment.
Knowing what I know now, I really do regret not taking a few more risks then and not challenging myself at a time when I didn't think I had the strength to cope with them.
Now that I know I have the strength to handle more than I thought I have to take that confidence and ensure that I'm not the same person come 2017. You know what I mean.
In some ways I hope I am the same person but I need to be enhanced. Sure, physically I need some improvement and I must set a proper goal with my exercise program (or lack thereof the past few weeks).
What I'd really like by Christmas (since that's is a widely accepted end-time goal), or summer at least, is to have lost 5kg and be undertaking a proper exercise regime.
I have a distinct lack of focus these days. I've been distracted by certain things, things I have and am enjoying, and I think I've lost a bit of sight of what is actually a healthy lifestyle (by this I don't mean the exercise stuff, more what is considered emotionally healthy) and how to incorporate a number of aspects of life without affecting work and social aspects.
It's very important that I don't just note this down and then go away and ignore it.
This week I plan to stop into my gym (which is at work conveniently) and arrange to have a program worked out for me to start when I get back from holidays. In the couple of weeks of that break from work I need to ensure I'm exercising a bit and watching what I eat more.
I can't stress how important it is that I am able to lose the 5kg. It would actually be a pretty big psychological win because weight loss has long been something I have feared. That might sound like a silly statement but there is a very good reason for it.

Regression

If there is one thing I don't want it is to go backwards.
Without question I have come a long way in the past few years but what seems clear is that my reaction to certain things seems to be the same.
Or at least very close to the same, the over reaction that allows my mind to run away with itself before considering more logical explanations.
I know I have learned a lot, not only about myself but also practical things that can be used in situations where over reaction is possible. I have pushed myself, tried things I had been afraid to try before and travelled when only a few years ago I had very narrow boundaries.
In some of these things I have gained the confidence to continue - but there were a few moments last Friday where I admit I thought I could be back at square one.
Not only was that a scary thought at the time the prospect of going back there is, quite frankly, haunting. But as I said previously, I am tired of being afraid.

Half living

'A life lived in fear is a life half lived'.

It's a quote from the movie Strictly Ballroom, a classic film in its own right and a line that could not be any truer.
Particularly for me.
I am tired of living in fear. It's easy to say that you should just not be afraid any more but that is far too simplistic.
What am I afraid of? That is something that is hard to define - I am afraid of losing my freedom, that my health scare of six years ago now is just waiting to come back and get me.
I had a startling reminder of this a few days back.
I thought I had passed blood in the bathroom and I kinda went cold and numb for a second at the thought of it and what it would mean.
Long story short it wasn't blood but jam that had been discarded in the bowl and had not flushed completely away. It was a massive relief to say the least but the feeling has stuck with me to an extent.
It was an illustration that what happened there is a possibility, though not a likelihood at this stage, that it could one day be a reality.
A bout of what I think was food poisoning a day earlier didn't help, either.
I fell back to old habits, thinking that if it were real then there were all these things I had planned that I wouldn't be able to do - things I had been looking forward to.
Anyway, I will get a clearer picture on where all that stands at the end of the month when I have my about 2-yearly look through assessing my inner health - you know what I mean.
Now the last two of those have been excellent and, really, there is no reason why I should think that this time will be any different. I could get picky about a couple of small things but, largely, I am doing pretty well.
Having committed myself to go to the gym as much as possible is also helping and I have noticed some differences. Hopefully as my physical body strengthens my mind can as well.
I often think it is funny that what scares me are things from within and not external things. It's almost like my phobia about magpies.
But that's another story.
I have taken some rather large steps this year and another one will be taken later this month, an achievement that I thought impossible a few years ago is now something I am looking forward to with some vigor.

Learn to live

'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it'.
It's a line from the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer - it sounds so very true, doesn't it. But we all know that it shouldn't be the case.
The world is amazing place and we shouldn't let our trials crush us, and lead to the perception that life is tough. We all have troubles, we all get sick, we all get injured in some way, we all go through periods of happiness and sadness.
Yes I am being very philosophical - it probably isn't my nature which tends to be more negative I guess (to my detriment).
The challenge for me is to acknowledge that I have troubles and to do my best to deal with them. My troubles are mine and it is up to me to live the best way I can. I let them dominate my thinking and that is wrong.
Like any habit, the more you do it the easier it becomes. Cruelly, bad habits get easier very fast and good habits always tend to be harder to form. Probably because they require more effort and willpower.
I know that I am costing myself plenty of enjoyment at times by letting the negative thinking get inside the head when it does it tends to go for a pretty long run.
I am trying, but I guess not quite hard enough at this stage.

Trust

There comes a time when you have to believe some things to be true and some things to be false.
I wonder, when it comes to myself, why I can't seem to trust what I know to be true because I feel a few odd things?
I can feel quite good in general yet have some little thing going on somewhere else and that dominates. Whether it is a twinge in a muscle (I get back issues now and then) or an odd feeling in sensitive areas, I just jump off the cliff before considering that the cause is likely to be minor, transient, and not worth getting worked up about.
But, no, to me it can be this huge, life threatening danger and it overtakes me, distracting me from whatever I'm doing, or supposed to be doing.
I think I've said it before, it's almost like looking for something to be wrong.
How much panic or anxiety contributes to what I feel is hard to measure - so I will say to myself this....all the tests you've had recently have been excellent.
That is something I need to trust in.

Progress

I'm happy to say there has been progress in the challenge of getting to the gym.
Unfortunately I didn't get there today but have been three times in the past 10 days. The plan is to be there tomorrow just for a bit of a lighter session as my shoulder blades feel like they have a steel bar shoved through them.
More stretching is required to ease that issue.
I have to say that in general I feel a little better having been more active in the past couple of weeks. I still get troubled by little things that my mind can turn into larger things but that is a work in progress as well.
So the plan is a cardio session for Friday with a bit of weights then a similar session on Monday before hopefully getting back into the routine this time next week.
Also looking forward to another trip to Brisbane in a couple of weeks time. Haven't been there properly since I was a teenager and the two times I have been there since then I saw the airport and the racecourse and Moreton Island.
So it will be cool to have a look around and hopefully meet some new people and catch up with some new friends up there.

It's a start

I am rather proud of myself for making it to the gym twice in the past week.
That probably doesn't sound like much to some people but my history has been go once then don't go again for months and months.
My arms do feel like they could fall off! A lot of stiffness there from using muscles I'm sure I didn't know I had (and still don't have just yet to be honest). A big plus has been finding a buddy to go along with and that's encouraging, plus I have someone who knows what they are doing a lot more than me.
The big challenge coming up for me isn't so much to keep going - it is the fact that I will inevitably lose a bit of weight from actually working out properly a couple of times a week. And while that is something I very much want (a few kgs, not 10), losing weight is a bit of a tricky subject for me because it has been embedded in my mind that weight loss is bad.
Long story.
Feeling fitter and better about myself is a big positive so hopefully I can keep the crazy thoughts about dropping a kilo or two in perspective.
But anyway, I'm off to a good start.

Positives

I had a pretty big week, work wise, this week - so much so that I was really feeling it come Thursday afternoon. I think I did a good job of recovering that evening, with a lot of relaxation happening.
It is a real positive that I can come through something like that in good shape, similar to the week where I travelled interstate three times in six days.
The next big positive I am after is the results of my latest tests later next week. They've never been overly alarming but I have noticed a few different things this time around. Perhaps they are insignificant and can be explained simply.
There is always the lingering fear that there is something really serious (that I don't already know about) lying undiscovered and that fear is screwing my head up something royal.
My exercise plans have so far been unrealised, I do sporadic bouts but nothing as consistent as I had hoped - and that is to my own detriment. I really must do more things that are good for me in general, like going for walks, instead of things that feel good in theory but in practice just make you feel worse.
Committing to being good to yourself shouldn't be so hard, should it?

How to take control

Something has to change and it has to start changing now.
I have a lack of control, a lack of focus and a lack of stability and that has to stop and stop now.
It all sounds so easy to turn things around in theory - I know that it is far from easy in practice.
I believe I have to take a few small steps in order to regain some stability and some control over life (well the things I can control anyway).

This is what I have in mind.
1. practice some form of relaxation or meditation daily. Doesn't have to be hours but at least 10 minutes of reflection and calming.
2. exercise daily, a 30 minute walk at the least.
3. make sure I get enough sleep, 7 hours would be ideal as a base.
4. rein in the unhelpful thoughts. Replace with more logical or positive thought patterns.
5. stop having unrealistic expectations about myself.
6. have some fun and try to enjoy things more.
7. stretch daily.

Habits are hard to break but they are harder to form. Hopefully I can get into some if not all of these good habits fairly quickly. Wish me luck.

Thoughts for the day

I'm not very good at helping myself out when it comes to thinking constructively.
On and off over the last few days I have had some odd stomach aches, not pains and not sharp ones and maybe it is some bloating. That's the best I can come up with. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it.
When it comes to tummy issues I am super-hyper-sensitive and it really screws with my thoughts. As a regular thing I will jump to the worst possible conclusion first.
Like a lot of people the thought of any type of cancer is a scary one.
However, I have no symptoms of anything even remotely like that yet it still crosses my mind a few times a day at least.
By worrying about that at times it can do my head right in for a while.
What I have felt this week is not unlike something that occurred about five months ago and it came and went after a time. There is nothing to suggest that this isn't similar.
I have little tolerance for illness - it's like I think that I am not supposed to be unwell at all ever. I'm no different to anyone else, and will contract bugs and colds etc from time to time. Maybe it is all compounded by being a guy - we're apparently sooks when we get sick.
So instead of dealing with the minor issue at hand I seem to have to try and deal with a major issue that is a distant, remote possibility at the very, very worst.
How is this helping me? It isn't. Changing the way you think is not an easy one - I have been trying for a few years now and am obviously going to have to work harder and be much more vigilant.
It's like that add that describes building willpower as being like building muscles. The more you exercise them the stronger they get. I must exercise correct and more positive thoughts if I am to get any stronger.

Jumping off cliffs

Of course it is a metaphor, but I really need to learn to stop jumping off the cliff when something seemingly minor comes along.
I tend to have a very low tolerance for a few things and when they occur I always head straight for worst possible scenario. And it really does the head in sometimes.
It doesn't help being your own worst enemy when it comes to your mental health, let alone physical. I've found that when the first suffers then the second suffers but, more alarmingly, it is when the second suffers first that it really hits the first. If you follow that logic.
Gotta change.....

Definitions

It occurred to me today that I've been working really hard to ensure others don't define me in a particular way and, in the process, have ended up defining myself in that way.
It's not helping.
It relates to something that has been an issue for the past five years and one that I have spent a while in denial about. I'm sure most people will know what I am talking about.
Those who don't we're not talking about orientations of any kind, in case you were thinking that.
So I discovered that by defining myself by this particular issue is a good part of what is holding me back, I'm sure of that.
How do I get around it?
Of course I have to stop looking at myself as a fragile, like glass if you will, and toughen up. Mentally as much as physically.
It's all easier said than done but a big part of making progress is defining what the problem is.

Underestimation

I'm pretty sure I have underestimated how tough it would be to get off these darn anti-depressants.
Perhaps I've rushed it in reducing the dose because over the last few days I've had recurring headaches and a few other little things that lead me to believe I have been a bit hasty.
I'm actually just under two weeks ahead of the schedule so maybe I should try and stabilise for those couple of weeks and then look to reduce further.
It's frustrating because I really want to be not taking them, and that is over-riding the suspicion that I might actually still need them.

A bit of a stretch

There was a moment yesterday when I seriously thought I was, at best, going to throw up and at worst maybe pass out.
It was shortly after completing a pilates class, my first ever, something I think I seriously underestimated in terms of what it takes out of you if you haven't done anything like that in a very long time.
It took a little bit of time before I started to feel better but actually I was surprised how quickly I bounced back, especially after feeling quite shaky when the class finished.
So this morning I have fairly sore hamstrings but otherwise feel pretty good.
I'm not rushing out to do another class tomorrow but next time, which will probably be in a couple of weeks, I'll not only know what I'm in for but will be able to pace myself better.
I guess, as my friend Simon (who I do thank for encouraging me to go) pointed out, I did push myself a little bit more than I should have.
I do have to say that I find gyms pretty intimidating and that doesn't help!
Then last night I had an unexpected run in with the fuzz.
Driving home from dinner in Parramatta, I was trying to work my way through a few side streets when the lights began flashing above the car behind me.
For a few seconds there I was thinking, 'I didn't indicate at my last turn' and 'I hope this isn't a one way street'. Then I was randomly breath tested, my licence checked and I was on my way.
As someone who doesn't drink alcohol I've got to be careful what I say when they ask 'have you had anything to drink tonight' because I don't want to come across as smug even though I'm pretty sure I'm thinking that they're wasting their time testing me.
Anyway, a bit of R&R today after an eventful Saturday.