Vices

We've all got them, those things that we know aren't good for us but we just can't help but fall under their spell.
At the moment I'm trying to offload one of my vices while at the same time trying to not let one I'm particularly enjoying be more than a little fun.
The vice I'm looking to lose is a bit of an unhelpful gambling habit that occasionally gets out of control. It's the type of gambling that you know you're not supposed to win at but for some reason it seems to be appealing.
I think you know the type I'm referring to.
Sometimes I wonder what part of the brain is overriding the common sense part that tells you that even if you do happen to have a win in the big picture you will lose.
I'd like to think I can overcome that. The feeling you get when you've lost is not pleasant, you feel like chasing the loss and you end up losing a lot more than you can, or should, afford. It's a different experience with the horses. There is less element of chance involved and I'd like to think my knowledge is better than the average person's.
So I am making an effort to overcome this vice.
The other one is at times a lot of fun and at other times I'm disappointed in myself. At the moment though I think the fun outweighs the disappointment so I'm happy to play a bit while it is fun.

Emotional time travel

I really dislike anxiety.
It's something I thought, at least in the back of my mind, that I was starting to get control of. Then something else comes up and I feel like I'm right back where I started all those years ago.
I don't know for sure that the anxiety is over nothing, at the moment it feels pretty real and it doesn't seem to matter that on an intellectual level I understand that what I fear probably won't come about.
That's the nature of anxiety, right? Fearing something bad is going to happen despite the fact you have reviewed the situation over and over and believe it will be all right.
It's what I think but the fear of the situation is almost overwhelming, worse than what I experienced when anxiety jumped its way onto my back and started weighing me down.
Yes, I am afraid. I think I will be fine but I can't know for sure straight away.
It's the waiting around that is the worst....there's nothing I can do about the situation now, I just have to wait and see. I try not to worry about it, sometimes I get distracted and that's great, but then it all comes flooding back.
I know that worrying and getting worked up about it doesn't help one bit, can't change any outcomes and just makes me feel bad. It makes me fixate even more. It's that whole vicious circle thing. It's almost like I've gone back in time.
There are a couple of milestones to pass but they seem to be so far away.
Why isn't acknowledging that anxiety is causing me trouble enough to make it go away? I do know the answer to that, incidentally.
I guess it is back to the drawing board, back to the books, back to the relaxation, get better at exercising regularly. Find something else to focus on.
It all sounds so easy in theory.

Wake up call

Sometimes when you're supposed to learn something the lesson is subtle, other times it's a lot more obvious.
At the moment I'm not sure which category this falls into but there has definitely been a wake up call over the past few days and now I know I have to change.
I always take my health seriously though at times I am guilty of oversights and lack of really thinking things through. No more.
Aside from my desire to improve as far as overall fitness goes - which I will be starting on shortly once my gym program starts (yes, I did get that done) - I've been pretty poor at keeping an eye on myself.
We all take risks from time to time, calculated ones mostly. I didn't knowingly take a risk but ultimately I am still responsible.
Yes, I've had a bit of a scare and it's not going to be clear for a while whether anything bad will come of it. My feeling is that everything is going to be fine but until you know for sure then it is hard to be completely certain. There's always a little doubt.
While I have to sit it out for a period it is time for an attitude change. A time to discover what it is I really want and how best to achieve it.
Hopefully it's just a subtle lesson.

Out of focus

It's really time that I got a bit of direction.
Sure, I've been coasting along reasonably well (considering a few things) and could quite easily continue that way. But I think I'll look back in five years or so and wish I'd handled things differently.
I certainly feel that way about myself five years ago at the moment.
Knowing what I know now, I really do regret not taking a few more risks then and not challenging myself at a time when I didn't think I had the strength to cope with them.
Now that I know I have the strength to handle more than I thought I have to take that confidence and ensure that I'm not the same person come 2017. You know what I mean.
In some ways I hope I am the same person but I need to be enhanced. Sure, physically I need some improvement and I must set a proper goal with my exercise program (or lack thereof the past few weeks).
What I'd really like by Christmas (since that's is a widely accepted end-time goal), or summer at least, is to have lost 5kg and be undertaking a proper exercise regime.
I have a distinct lack of focus these days. I've been distracted by certain things, things I have and am enjoying, and I think I've lost a bit of sight of what is actually a healthy lifestyle (by this I don't mean the exercise stuff, more what is considered emotionally healthy) and how to incorporate a number of aspects of life without affecting work and social aspects.
It's very important that I don't just note this down and then go away and ignore it.
This week I plan to stop into my gym (which is at work conveniently) and arrange to have a program worked out for me to start when I get back from holidays. In the couple of weeks of that break from work I need to ensure I'm exercising a bit and watching what I eat more.
I can't stress how important it is that I am able to lose the 5kg. It would actually be a pretty big psychological win because weight loss has long been something I have feared. That might sound like a silly statement but there is a very good reason for it.

You always want what you can't have

I was going to write some kind of reflective poem or the like but why not be a little more straight forward.
The past few weeks have been quite eye-opening. In some ways I feel a bit like that six-year-old kid that wants a lollipop and jumps up and down in frustration when he's denied it.
I completely understand the concept of you can't always have what you want, but in this case it is clearly that I want what I can't have.
Actually, I'm not completely sure that I do want it but the opportunity would be great.
Then I'd have something to consider seriously, rather than let my mind continue to beat itself up as it works out how to handle situations.
Would I rather have the status quo and simply want something I can't have, or would I prefer to have the chance to be completely crushed?
Everything is really easy in theory.
Do I really understand what having that chance might actually mean? Or am I just chasing waterfalls? (Yes, that's a TLC song reference).
Again, is that what I really want? It's something I have expressed several times, while risking being a bit unfair and spoiling a very good and promising situation.
People are interesting creatures. And, despite protesting to the contrary a number of times, they can quite often surprise me. Books and covers and judging, you know what I mean.
In a place like Sydney superficiality rules. It's all about 'me', you only have to travel on public transport to work that out let alone getting among the so called A list.
Real people are out there, and I'm fortunate to know quite a few and to have met some who I, admittedly, had wrongly pegged as likely shallow types.
They haven't all made my life better, but some definitely have had an impact.
But they have also served to make me realise that I'm wanting what I can't have at the moment.

Resolution

I rarely make New Years resolutions but I think that it is important that I start 2012 in the right way and make an effort to change a few things.
I have alluded to this already.
My resolution is to give up all forms of gambling, be they racehorses, machines etc, until Golden Slipper Day which is Easter Saturday this year in early April.
I think three months is a good starting point. It will allow me to save a bit of money and get back onto the right trajectory financially.
When I say save money, obviously gambling has its risks and lately I haven't been very sensible with my gambling. Hence the urge to stop and shake off the reckless spending.
I hope to save quite a deal of money in 2012 and I have even drawn up a budget to help me work out where my money is going.
I have to finalise that in the next couple of days.
I also need to find a couple of extra activities to take the focus off the gambling which is important because of my job.
So, here's to a 2012 that will see plenty of positive growth.

Wounded

I think I really hurt someone this week.
It was the right thing to do, I am certain of that, but I don't feel good about it. And don't get me wrong, I feel hurt too.
When it comes to another person's feelings there is no way to cushion a blow if it hits them right in a sensitive spot. I know this now. It was something I guess I suspected but when you don't allow yourself to expose the sensitive spot it can't get hit.
Distracted doesn't go far enough to describe how I was yesterday. I had one subject on my mind and it just wouldn't relent, it wouldn't let me go.
Even having dealt with the issue it still lingers a bit.
I get easily haunted and at the moment there is a song that is haunting me and it is somewhat related to what's been going on.
The trouble is, it is an amazing song and I don't want to stop listening to it.
I have learned a lot from the experience of this week.
I have learned about myself and I have discovered that there are things I might have to offer that I didn't credit myself for.
Still, I don't like the fact that out there in the world is someone who is feeling angry, a little I'd say, hurt and disappointed.
I couldn't help but feel cheated so that's why I took the action I did. I don't regret it because it was undoubtedly the best thing to do.
Like most lessons, this one has been learned the hard way but at the same time it has opened a door or two and that's both exciting and a bit scary.

Learn to live

'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it'.
It's a line from the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer - it sounds so very true, doesn't it. But we all know that it shouldn't be the case.
The world is amazing place and we shouldn't let our trials crush us, and lead to the perception that life is tough. We all have troubles, we all get sick, we all get injured in some way, we all go through periods of happiness and sadness.
Yes I am being very philosophical - it probably isn't my nature which tends to be more negative I guess (to my detriment).
The challenge for me is to acknowledge that I have troubles and to do my best to deal with them. My troubles are mine and it is up to me to live the best way I can. I let them dominate my thinking and that is wrong.
Like any habit, the more you do it the easier it becomes. Cruelly, bad habits get easier very fast and good habits always tend to be harder to form. Probably because they require more effort and willpower.
I know that I am costing myself plenty of enjoyment at times by letting the negative thinking get inside the head when it does it tends to go for a pretty long run.
I am trying, but I guess not quite hard enough at this stage.

Gamblor

It's been in the news lately about the Government attempting to cap the amount people can lose on poker machines and I'm starting to see why.
A couple of years ago, while at the wake from my aunt's funeral my dad gave me $50 to spend and after looking at the horses I decided to throw it in the pokies.
As almost always happens when you do something like that which you don't normally do, I won about $100. They call it beginner's luck.
After that I started throwing $20 in now and then. Eventually this rose to starting at $50.
Yada yada yada, you get the drift.
Now I need to get out of the habit of doing it. I know that you can't beat the machines, you might get lucky and have a win now and then but in the end you will lose.
That is why there are so many of them around.
I love having a bet on the horses and that is a lot more a game of skill than the pokies. While surprises to happen in racing there are elements you can take into consideration to rule horses in or out and make educated gambles.
There is an episode of The Simpsons where Marge gets hooked on the pokies and Homer describes to the kids that she has been consumed by a monster called Gamblor. We all laugh but it is so true that this can take you over.
I don't know what it is about them, the flashing lights, the cool features that promise the chance to win large-ish amounts, the jackpots that are attached to the machines. Again, I don't know.
Whatever the reason people get addicted I need to stop using them - it's not even fun any more, it used to be just throw in 20 and hope you come out with 30 - before it gets to being a big issue.
So here I go - I know it will take a bit of willpower but I vow to stop playing them from this moment.
I like to think I can keep a promise to other people - now I need to prove I can keep a promise to myself. Money is far too important these days to be throwing it away on pure chance.

Power of fear

It's become a pattern over the years and it has really just only occurred to me.
Fear has been the ruling power in my life for the most part and stopped me from doing all sorts of things. Some of those things I may have regretted, sure, but I've reached the point where I almost regret not taking the leap.
Even back in high school I was afraid of one thing or another - whether it was the kid trying to get me into fights I didn't want to be in or things as semi-serious as relationships. I remember backing out of the date I'd asked to the high school formal because I just wanted to go 'as friends'.
The solution isn't completely clear but going out and doing things I will certainly regret definitely isn't the answer.
I know that I can't continue to be ruled by this general fear - is it a fear of living or a fear of failure or rejection? I don't know exactly.

Theory disproven

I've been doing a few more tests on a theory I have had for a while and I have to conclude that the best option is to let it go.
It's one thing to be persistent or to not give up but my theory is never going to happen so I guess you can only bash your head against a wall for so long. It's starting to hurt so I'd better stop.
Probably a few bouts of denial led me to push on with it for as long as I have.
Just a little disappointing but I should focus on other things now.
It's just so f**king childish. So f**king paranoid, I don't get it.
Never will.
Nothing's going to change.
End of story.

Willpower

Sometimes I think I'm expending all of my willpower in the wrong places.
Trying to deny yourself certain things isn't always a good move, whether it's something harmless or potentially addictive it doesn't matter.
For those who think they know what I'm talking about, you're wrong.
There's one part of life at the moment that has increasingly become a weakness and I think I must direct some of my willpower into curbing that weakness.
It just makes so much sense.

Treat me good

Look around you.
There's always someone who is in a worse situation than yourself but we never see that, all we see is our own predicaments.
That's something I am guilty of, even as recently as today.
A friend told me a while back that if you go looking for something wrong with you then you will find it. That's something you know for sure.
I'm good at finding things wrong with myself and it is something that must stop.
Of all the things you can do that are bad for you, I'd argue that high on the list is treating yourself poorly. By that I mean not thinking constructively, positively, and not dwelling too much on things you can't control.
I want so much to change the way that I think. I have come a part of the journey towards achieving that, I have to allow myself that small win, but there's still a way to go.
Sometimes the biggest battle you will have is with yourself.

Circles

Ever get the feeling you're going around in circles?
For me, it happens just when I think I've got something worked out.
I performed a test today on a particular theory I have. Turns out there has been no progress.
Anyway, as far as things I might be able to change go I decided to take a break from my punting habits until I go to Melbourne in a month's time.
I think I need to do it to prove to myself again that I can. I also don't like the feeling I get if I've had a bad day.
I definitely need less negatives in life at the moment. Less negative relationships, less negative actions, less negative energy.
That's one thing I am positive about.

Anatomy of a good handshake

If there's one thing I appreciate it's a good solid handshake.

That may seem a strange thing to appreciate, but a person's handshake can tell you so much about them.

A few people I know have amazing handshakes.

They convey a lot of unspoken things.

There's a guy I know called Murray.

The first time I met him I was taken aback by his handshake because it was so different. It was firm, but not hand-breaking, and it gave me a very positive feeling. I actually mentioned to him how I appreciated his handshake and he said having a good handshake was something he was taught as a younger person.

Now, that was more than a year ago so my comments come from hindsight as I now know a bit more about him.

With the carnival being on for the last few weeks I've seen him every week and when I was leaving on Saturday we got into a conversation about a few things, football, plans for the rest of the weekend, etc.

After a rather ordinary first attempt at a farewell handshake we got it right, and I actually commented to him that I'd miss our weekly handshakes!

I don't know what it is but if I get a handshake that feels forced or doesn't encompass the hand properly it makes me wonder. I do get a few that make me wonder from time to time.

So I'd say next time someone shakes your hand have a think about what it is telling you, you might discover something you didn't realise before.

Kids caught up in the Storm

Aside from all the legal and moral implications of the Melbourne Storm's salary cap rorting, there's a big problem facing thousands of people across the eastern seaboard.
How do you explain this to the kids out there that run around in their Storm gear?
My eight-year-old nephew almost lives in his Storm jersey, he loves Billy Slater and follows the team closely.
How is he expected to understand why his team won't be able to win the premiership this year, why the 2007 and 2009 premierships have now been stripped and the intricacies of the matter.
Hopefully, if anything, he can be taught a lesson in cheating and in fairness and the consequences of what happens when you do wrong.
It's a pretty heartbreaking way to learn them though, to have a team and players you idolise now internationally embarrassed and their name, if not branded, associated with cheating.
For me, I'm a bit of a fan of the Storm. They're my second team after the Knights and one of my favourite players in the game is from Melbourne. I hope he's not one of the players who was receiving whatever bonuses were handed out.
I'm sure we'll find out in the coming days. It doesn't take long for the media to name names.

Why is it a Bunny?

On the way to the shop to grab the newspaper this morning I came across a rabbit.
He or she was just minding its own business on the side of the pavement in front of an area of scrub and trees. It was pretty tame, or at least not jumpy at all, and I stood there for a few minutes watching it.
As I went on my way I wondered why is a rabbit, or bunny, the symbol of Easter?
And why do they deliver eggs? Rabbits can't lay eggs, chickens do. So why isn't it the Easter Chook?
I consulted the all knowing Wikipedia for some answers.
Apparently bringing eggs is a tradition that began in Germany in the 1600s. Because Easter falls in the spring in the northern hemisphere the rabbit, or hare, became a symbol due to its prolific breeding habits. Just like at Christmas, apparently only good children received eggs at Easter.
Of course these practices have become commercialised to the point that Easter Eggs are available for purchase shortly after Christmas.
I'm not entirely sure I'm satisfied with the origin of the Easter Bunny and it's actually quite disturbing that a rabbit delivers eggs for you to eat.
It's a good thing that they're generally pretty cute creatures - but, still, it's a bit icky.

Oh, by the way this was my 800th post. Can't believe it.

A story worth hearing

When someone who has battled cancer for their entire life says there's no point in being unhappy then you should listen.
When they are just 18 you can't help but pay attention.
I have to say I was taken aback by the story of Samuel Symons, which was told tonight on Australian Story on the ABC.
The story told by the teenage son of well known musician and TV personality Red Symons should serve as a wake up call to us all. Don't take life for granted and enjoy what you are given.
He said he has no time for death and never will and added that by being unhappy you are preventing yourself from living.
I won't go into his details, I'm sure they'll be well published in the coming days - if they haven't already.
But I will say that I did get a little teary-eyed near the end, such was the power of his story, his words, his courage and his outlook.
We all see Red Symons as a funny, if brutally abrupt, person largely from his years on Hey Hey It's Saturday. It's amazing that he was able to perform a comedy show while his son was battling cancers at such a young age (Hey Hey finished in 1999 or thereabouts).
If you missed this episode of Australian Story try and catch a repeat. It's worth 30 minutes of your time, believe me.

Chaos versus control

There's a scene in the classic film Six Degrees Of Separation where two Kandinsky paintings are featured representing chaos and control.
On one side the painting is geometric and ordered, on the other it is vivid and boundless.
They are meant to be contrasting but in reality the two ideas go together so well.
Chaos, disorder, uncertainty. These can all be exciting or scary situations.
Control, habituality, surety. They aren't all they are cracked up to be.
I should know. I've been trying to control things that are out of my control for a very long time and it gets frustrating.
I don't like the idea of randomness most of the time. Spontaneity doesn't scare me but I've always preferred to be prepared.
Have you ever noticed how people who err on the side of chaos seem to be less easily stressed, worry less and seem to enjoy themselves more readily.
Ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where George decides to do the opposite of everything he normally does? That George is confident and chaotic and gets everything the other George would never have a shot at.
So is it that simple?
I've had a situation at work lately that has bothered me a lot more than I have let on. On the surface it is something that I should just brush aside and forget about but it lingers. I think about it a lot more than I should.
I say I don't care what people think quite readily but, truth be told, I must care a lot more than even I'm aware of. It's part of needing to control things, even if it is subconsciously.
I was faced with a situation today where my phone packed it an and I had the choice of replacing it straight away or sending it away to be repaired. Not knowing if it could be, how long it would take or what it would cost I elected just to replace it. I can't believe that I can't go for a week or two without a mobile phone. Control, see?
I'd love to try chaos as a way of life and see if I can thrive.
Whether the control part of me allows it is another thing.

Realising the truth

There's a truth in my world that I have kind of ignored because I don't want to believe it.
I'm so blinded by an ideal surrounding one of my friends.
The fact has come to a head for me this week after some discussions with other friend-type people.
What I have realised, yet again, is that I'm held in nowhere near as high regard by my friend than I thought and hoped. When you find out things about people you thought you were close to third hand and long after a significant thing happened it makes you (well in this case me) wonder how good a friend you are seen as.
I've got to say that coming to this conclusion really hurts. I'd love to say I hope I am wrong but I really don't think I am.
Perhaps this is all a bit 10th grade but I don't know what to do about it.
Do I just accept it and try to move past it? That seems the obvious but hard option.
Is it something worth raising? Again it's a bit high school-ish.
Am I reading into things too much? Possibly, but there's pretty compelling evidence.
I guess it is a little like in any relationship (at least it works as an analogy), what do you do when you realise the other person doesn't like you as much as you like them, even if you are mates?