Self improvement drive

Friends, now is the time to get serious. Actually, it's well past the time but better late than never.
After a discussion with a mate last week I've decided to have a red hot go at making improvements and shaking off the bad habits.
I'm not going to set a particular day to day plan right now, that may come later, as it is not a 'specific number of days' challenge.
1. Learn how to be good to yourself. This means put some effort into looking after myself physically, mentally and aesthetically. The latter is a strange one, but it basically means pay a bit of attention to grooming. Present well.
2. Tidy up. My room is a bit of a mess and it probably is a reflection of where things are.
3. Exercise. I'm never going to be a buff gym toned Adonis but I can make an effort to be better. I don't know why it is so easy to fall out of the habit of something as simple and good for you as exercise. Sure, I've had injury issues recently and that's starting to have an effect via lack of conditioning, but it should be a no-brainer.
4. Try new things. I went to the theatre the other night and it's something I should consider doing a bit more of.
5. Don't be ashamed. Speaks for itself really.
6. Shed bad habits. Probably unrealistic to say I won't have any bad habits but I do need to make a big effort to stop gambling on the machines. I know you can't win and I have had periods of abstinence but I can do better than that.
7. Do things I enjoy.
8. Learn to talk more. I tend to be on the quiet side most of the time, it's almost like I don't know how to do small talk and it is a hindrance in social situations.

Let's see how I go. Surely it can only be good for me.
Feel free to offer any suggestions or encouragements or anecdotes.

Braces

I'm finally doing it. Some six or so years after first investigating it, and there were pretty decent circumstances as to why I didn't pursue it then, I'll be getting braces in a bit over a week.
It is necessary as well as desirable.
My teeth are something that I've never been happy with and I didn't have any trouble making the decision to go ahead when my dentist recommended I look into it again.
While I don't expect to come out of it with movie star perfect teeth the end result will be a big improvement on what I have currently.
It's not cheap but fortunately you don't have to pay it all upfront so that makes it much more affordable.
And while it isn't cheap it is definitely worth it. It's going to be interesting having them on and dealing with food and things, might feel like a teenager for a while!

Resolution

I rarely make New Years resolutions but I think that it is important that I start 2012 in the right way and make an effort to change a few things.
I have alluded to this already.
My resolution is to give up all forms of gambling, be they racehorses, machines etc, until Golden Slipper Day which is Easter Saturday this year in early April.
I think three months is a good starting point. It will allow me to save a bit of money and get back onto the right trajectory financially.
When I say save money, obviously gambling has its risks and lately I haven't been very sensible with my gambling. Hence the urge to stop and shake off the reckless spending.
I hope to save quite a deal of money in 2012 and I have even drawn up a budget to help me work out where my money is going.
I have to finalise that in the next couple of days.
I also need to find a couple of extra activities to take the focus off the gambling which is important because of my job.
So, here's to a 2012 that will see plenty of positive growth.

Half living

'A life lived in fear is a life half lived'.

It's a quote from the movie Strictly Ballroom, a classic film in its own right and a line that could not be any truer.
Particularly for me.
I am tired of living in fear. It's easy to say that you should just not be afraid any more but that is far too simplistic.
What am I afraid of? That is something that is hard to define - I am afraid of losing my freedom, that my health scare of six years ago now is just waiting to come back and get me.
I had a startling reminder of this a few days back.
I thought I had passed blood in the bathroom and I kinda went cold and numb for a second at the thought of it and what it would mean.
Long story short it wasn't blood but jam that had been discarded in the bowl and had not flushed completely away. It was a massive relief to say the least but the feeling has stuck with me to an extent.
It was an illustration that what happened there is a possibility, though not a likelihood at this stage, that it could one day be a reality.
A bout of what I think was food poisoning a day earlier didn't help, either.
I fell back to old habits, thinking that if it were real then there were all these things I had planned that I wouldn't be able to do - things I had been looking forward to.
Anyway, I will get a clearer picture on where all that stands at the end of the month when I have my about 2-yearly look through assessing my inner health - you know what I mean.
Now the last two of those have been excellent and, really, there is no reason why I should think that this time will be any different. I could get picky about a couple of small things but, largely, I am doing pretty well.
Having committed myself to go to the gym as much as possible is also helping and I have noticed some differences. Hopefully as my physical body strengthens my mind can as well.
I often think it is funny that what scares me are things from within and not external things. It's almost like my phobia about magpies.
But that's another story.
I have taken some rather large steps this year and another one will be taken later this month, an achievement that I thought impossible a few years ago is now something I am looking forward to with some vigor.

Learn to live

'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it'.
It's a line from the musical episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer - it sounds so very true, doesn't it. But we all know that it shouldn't be the case.
The world is amazing place and we shouldn't let our trials crush us, and lead to the perception that life is tough. We all have troubles, we all get sick, we all get injured in some way, we all go through periods of happiness and sadness.
Yes I am being very philosophical - it probably isn't my nature which tends to be more negative I guess (to my detriment).
The challenge for me is to acknowledge that I have troubles and to do my best to deal with them. My troubles are mine and it is up to me to live the best way I can. I let them dominate my thinking and that is wrong.
Like any habit, the more you do it the easier it becomes. Cruelly, bad habits get easier very fast and good habits always tend to be harder to form. Probably because they require more effort and willpower.
I know that I am costing myself plenty of enjoyment at times by letting the negative thinking get inside the head when it does it tends to go for a pretty long run.
I am trying, but I guess not quite hard enough at this stage.

Trust

There comes a time when you have to believe some things to be true and some things to be false.
I wonder, when it comes to myself, why I can't seem to trust what I know to be true because I feel a few odd things?
I can feel quite good in general yet have some little thing going on somewhere else and that dominates. Whether it is a twinge in a muscle (I get back issues now and then) or an odd feeling in sensitive areas, I just jump off the cliff before considering that the cause is likely to be minor, transient, and not worth getting worked up about.
But, no, to me it can be this huge, life threatening danger and it overtakes me, distracting me from whatever I'm doing, or supposed to be doing.
I think I've said it before, it's almost like looking for something to be wrong.
How much panic or anxiety contributes to what I feel is hard to measure - so I will say to myself this....all the tests you've had recently have been excellent.
That is something I need to trust in.

The sum of my fears

I got to thinking that in order to overcome some, if not all, of my fears a good start would be to write them down.
While it is an obvious thing, it was only when reading Adam's blog (where he wrote his down) that it occurred to me to do it.
I'm going to be as specific as I can but in no way graphic.

1. Like a lot of people - death.
I guess it isn't so much dying, as that's out of our control, but it is the not existing, the missing out on all the wonderful things that life allows. There's also the lack of closure and I also wonder how I will be remembered. As a kid I was afraid of death, I used to get nightmares and get quite worked up about it even though at the time I had never experienced anything more than a pet passing away (and we had hundreds of cats who didn't realise that living on a busy street could cost them more than nine lives).
2. Illness
Since being diagnosed with a chronic illness some six years ago I have developed a fear of illness - both the chronic illness in question and also of feeling unwell. I got it into my head that if I felt a little sick that it meant something massive, like a recurrence, was going to happen. I became intensely afraid of losing weight to the point where now I actually need to lose some because I never considered what putting it on would do. I'm now essentially living in fear of illness, even though for the last four years I haven't had any major (or even minor) anomaly in any of my tests aside from one thing that is being treated.
3. Love
I try my best to let the people I love know it, and that's in a 'I care about you' way not an 'I'm in love with you' way. And while I'd like a few more people in my life to be the same way the bigger issue is when it comes to letting down your guard and opening up to the possibility that someone can love me. That sounds silly I know. I'm not sure how it got to this point but I'm almost oblivious to it and if someone has come along in the past few years I haven't noticed. It's so far off the radar I wonder if it has been put there on purpose by my subconscious. We all want to feel loved and I am no different but sometimes I wonder if I can feel it at all. And that's something to fear.
4. Magpies
This is an irrational fear, or phobia, but it is one that has stuck with me for a while despite the fact I haven't been a victim for more than a decade at least. This fear tends to keep me indoors a bit in spring. I really need to beat this fear.

Funnily enough, aside from the need for self preservation, most of the things I fear are internal issues. I'm not saying I'm comfortable strolling the streets of Redfern at midnight but few things out in the world scare me. It's all internal, unknown, things that cause the most anxiety. I'm my own worst enemy and this really needs to change.
Now I just have to have the courage to change the things that I can change.

Circles

I've just been reading some things I wrote a few years ago now and it struck me how, for a large part, things are still the same.
Going around in circles again.
This has got to stop, I have got to find the right way to break the cycle.
I know all the theory, pretty well too, but I have (obviously) found it difficult to put into practice.
It's incredibly frustrating to know that after all this time I may only be a few steps forward from where I was, instead of miles ahead.

Willpower

Sometimes I think I'm expending all of my willpower in the wrong places.
Trying to deny yourself certain things isn't always a good move, whether it's something harmless or potentially addictive it doesn't matter.
For those who think they know what I'm talking about, you're wrong.
There's one part of life at the moment that has increasingly become a weakness and I think I must direct some of my willpower into curbing that weakness.
It just makes so much sense.

Treat me good

Look around you.
There's always someone who is in a worse situation than yourself but we never see that, all we see is our own predicaments.
That's something I am guilty of, even as recently as today.
A friend told me a while back that if you go looking for something wrong with you then you will find it. That's something you know for sure.
I'm good at finding things wrong with myself and it is something that must stop.
Of all the things you can do that are bad for you, I'd argue that high on the list is treating yourself poorly. By that I mean not thinking constructively, positively, and not dwelling too much on things you can't control.
I want so much to change the way that I think. I have come a part of the journey towards achieving that, I have to allow myself that small win, but there's still a way to go.
Sometimes the biggest battle you will have is with yourself.

Ups and downs

Things have been a bit mixed of late.
I'm sure it is in large part due to the reduction I've undertaken in the medication department.
I certainly don't like it. I don't like feeling flat a lot of the time.
It takes me back a few years to when things were pretty awful and I really don't want to go back there either.
Being more positive is good in theory and I do try it, I guess I'm not as persistent as I need to be.
The best way to describe how things are overall is that when I feel like that, flat and not necessarily entirely happy, I'm an easy target.
Little things that you brush off I notice, whether it is an internal feeling or a reaction to an external event, something a friend says or just a random event.
I will admit I've taken a hit or two this week. As to what it was I think it's best to just leave it at that. Confessing to thinking things I shouldn't (just about disappointments really) aren't going to get me anywhere.
I just hope this acknowledgement is a start towards getting over this speed bump that is starting to look more like a crest.

Coming Down

Later this week I'm starting the process of coming off the anti-depressants I've been on for the best part of three years.
I have tried once before but it was an ill-conceived attempt so I'm taking a much more methodical approach to the reduction. My long term aim is to be completely off them by the end of the year.
I know that is pretty long term, and I may actually achieve it sooner, but that's the realistic goal.
The next six weeks will determine whether it will happen faster or not.
I'm reducing by one-third over the next six weeks. If everything works well then, after a short period of stability, I'll try for a further reduction.
Maybe once I'm completely off them I can have a glass of wine to celebrate!

The last ten years

I'm not going to attempt to sum up the entirety of the last decade here but I've been thinking a bit about what has happened since 2000.
In chronological order (to the best of my memory) this is a rundown of some events that are notable for various reasons.

I bought my current car
I watched a number of events at the Sydney Olympic Games
I started working at my current place of employment
I appeared on a TV game show
I went on a holiday I won to Moreton Island
I watched in horror on TV as the World Trade Centre came down
I held my nephew on the day he was born
I went to my 10 year high school reunion
I had a job on radio
I moved in with my current housemate
I had my car stolen
I met Andrew Johns
I was diagnosed with a chronic illness
I changed jobs within the company
I made several trips to Melbourne for the races
I met a heap of awesome people, some of whom have had a significant impact on me

It's amazing when you think of ten years as around 3650-odd days. A lot happens in that time - a lot happens in one day sometimes. Friends have come and gone, some are still around, I'm not sure how much closer to understanding myself compared to 2000.
It's safe to say I have learned a lot, had some highs and some pretty major lows.
In some ways I haven't changed much, in others I'm not the same person.

The safety paradox

Why is it that I could walk outside right now and not feel particularly threatened but I can sit in the comfort of home and feel so vulnerable?
Welcome to my world!
A world where, sometimes despite my best efforts, anxiety seems to reign. I can be in a perfectly enjoyable scenario yet feel so many things going on in the body that I have to pay attention. I hate it. And even though that is a very strong emotion I have to stand by it.
Why is it that I can be so easily distracted when everything is great but if you're feeling a bit low or not yourself it can be so hard to snap out of?
One thing I know is that I can't let this thing beat me. I'm not a particularly tough guy, outwardly, but beating off this mindset requires toughness.
People with depression refer to it as 'the black dog' and while I have been through that it doesn't describe how anxiety can get on top of you.
It's kind of like an electrical storm, with random lightning strikes.
I write this at the end of a day that has been a bit of a battle and in the hope that tomorrow is a better one.

Speed

Have you noticed how fast things happen these days?
It's the end of August and we're looking at spring now and pretty soon we'll be talking Christmas plans and New Years celebrations. The Noughties are finished, what do we call the 2010s?
I say all this because I've realised how a lot of the time I want things to happen fast.
I want to get to work quickly (and leave work quickly), I eat quickly (at times to my detriment but I should expect that), I walk quickly, I don't have long showers. You get the point.
Everything doesn't need to happen so fast but somehow I get caught up in it. Maybe it is a Sydney thing, or at least a big city thing.
Happily I have holidays coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to the break. I enjoy getting out of the rat race if I can and I'm also looking forward to a few days in Melbourne coming up.
Having been there a couple of times this year I now know a few people so that will make the trip this time a bit more fun (and I have had a pretty darn good time in those two trips).
Needless to say I should try to slow down.
Really, there's no need to rush. Ferris Bueller had it right - 'life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop once in a while and look around you could miss it' (or something like that).

`Head in the sand'

Yesterday I met a guy called Scott.
From what I can tell he'd be in his early 20s and he seems just like anyone else.
I met Scott at a seminar about IBD.
What struck me about him is, just as I said, he appears your average inner-wester, he seems happy.
He also has IBD, not the same as me but not entirely different.
He was there because, in his words, he has his `head in the sand' about it and thought it was a good idea to hear a few experts speak on the topic.
I was there for somewhat similar reasons although I can't get away with saying I've been ignorant because that is far from the truth. If anything I'm a little too informed.
We had a bit of a chat and during it I think something clicked for me.
Here's a young guy who, despite admitting to his ignorance about his condition, has been living life as best he can.
It occurred to me that I hadn't been and today I felt pretty good about myself. All the negative emotions are really not helpful and when they are around things seem to spiral out of control.
I'm not saying I am going to stick my head into the sand and ignore everything but at the same time there is merit in doing it occasionally, in a way.
Before I left I gave Scott a business card (I can't believe I actually had one on me because there have been many times when one would have come in handy and I was out of them) in case he wanted to get in contact. I don't expect him to though (and said that).
The good thing is I learned something by meeting Scott, and I wouldn't have if I didn't go along.

Winter blues

For a few weeks I've been feeling a little lower than normal. It's not depression but a lot of the time I'd describe myself as a bit negative.
And it is getting to me.
It is clear to me that the biggest issue I have is that I worry too much and that is a big part of this lower mood as I tend to allow what most people would deem minor things become potentially major. Mountains and molehills and all that.
This became apparent yet again today as I felt crummy for most of the day and spent too much time and energy over analysing what was going on.
I'm far too sensitive to what the body is up to and as a result the imagination starts running. I wish there was a button I could push that will stop the times of worry.
I know that it is a battle I have to fight harder, to condition myself not to get caught up in `what if' and everything else that goes with it.
Is it as easy as saying to yourself `I won't worry today' or something to that effect? Like everyone else I want an easy fix but I realise it ain't going to happen like that. They don't call it the hard way for nothing!

My own `Sixteen Candles' moment

Anyone who grew up in the 80s would be familiar with the movie Sixteen Candles.
Well, today I had my very own Sixteen Candles moment - my housemate forgot my birthday.
Initially it was disappointing that someone I have shared a house with for as long as we have been could not remember a birthday.
Then when he realised I actually felt a bit bad for him because he was feeling pretty guilty. So much so he pestered me for a while to allow him to take me out for a drink tonight. If nothing else his reaction shows that he cares.
In the movie Molly Ringwald's character turns 16 but her parents forgot because of everything else that was going on. It has that classic line - `I don't believe it. They f***ing forgot my birthday'.
I never thought that would actually happen. For the record I turned 34 today.
Yesterday I spent most of the day out and about so today I chilled out for the most part.
I spent the day at the races then went to a mate's house party on the other side of Sydney. I met a bunch of interesting people and had quite a nice time. So it was a good way to spend a `birthday weekend'.
By the way, happy birthday to Brant whose birthday is the 21st but thanks to being on the other side of the world we share, technically, the same day.

What is intimacy?

I have been reading a few articles on the topic of intimacy and am finding it an intriguing topic to think about.
Not so much intimacy when it comes to a one on one relationship like marriage, but it's all about knowing and being comfortable with yourself and others.
That's something I'm not sure about. One of the questions posed in the article was: do you like yourself?
Now the obvious answer is yes, but when I think deeper about it I wonder about how much I do. I'm not always nice to myself, I have bad habits, I'm far too self-deprecating, I worry too much, I could go on.
Are these actions of someone who likes themself? Would I be like that to my best friend? Aside from the occasional disagreement and an hour or two of silence, absolutely not. Why is it then good enough to treat myself by different standards?
Now the article is about growing comfortable with intimacy, things like physical (non-sexual) contact with others, letting other people into your world, communication. I'd maybe scrape a pass mark on the first, fail miserably at the second and for someone who works in that industry my communication skills are ordinary when it comes to personal stuff.
It's not that I don't want to participate, I want to feel closeness that is reciprocated and not punished, like I get now and then. I know we are all a work in progress on a lot of issues. I guess this is one of mine. While I fully understand the concept and largely how it works (I try very hard with certain people but they don't seem to want to play ball and that can be disheartening) it seems like something that takes time to learn, because it doesn't seem to come naturally.

Attitude adjustment

It occurred to me today that I probably haven't been that pleasant to be around, especially at work, for the last little while.
I shouldn't arrive at the office an immediately feel the frustration and impatience hit me before I sit down. There's a bit of a back story that I won't go into but if you've been reading between the lines over the last week you'd have an idea.
I don't think there is anything I enjoy more than my job. That's pretty sad, really, but true. How bad can it be when you get paid to talk about, watch and interact with what basically is your hobby unless you turn into the Comic Book Guy?
So why the bad attitude? In one respect it is borne out of the frustration that one or two of my coworkers are stifling our progress when what I want to do is make what we produce the best it can possibly be. Sure, everyone does that at work right? Not mine.
We have a culture of fearing changes of any kind and, as someone who wants to continue to develop not only the quality of what I write about but the overall quality, it seems whenever change from the routine is suggested it is pretty quickly dismissed because `that's not what we do every week'.
Today, anyway, I kind of packed everything in and refused (privately) to make any effort above minimum required, which I have to say is pretty darn easy. Yep, I went against everything I just wrote about with regards to quality and offered no suggestion on original material.
I know I need to change my attitude towards all this. I don't like being closed off and unresponsive unless it is some passive-aggressive thing I have going (I strangely relish those times now and then). Exacerbating the problem has been a few battles with personal issues and fears and when I get caught up in that world I can be hard to communicate with.
Any wonder I'm single. That's another subject. I will try harder tomorrow to adjust my outlook.