Getting Off The Carousel

In Australia we call them merry go rounds, I'm using the term carousel in reference to a song I've always liked and that seemingly takes on more significance each year.

The song, of course, is Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse (my favourite band - I'd love some new music guys).

Here's some of the lyrics:

"I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down, I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground, I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this.

"So when will this end, It goes on and on, Over and over and over again, Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop, Till I step down from this for good."

So I've been going around and around for far too long. I want to change, not just lifestyle but outlook and attitude. Let me tell you it's hard.

It hasn't helped that at this stage of the pandemic, despite Australia being in a fantastic position compared to many places around the world, things have taken a bit of a dark turn. I've had a couple of weeks of leave and at times have sunk a bit low.

This week I have tried to drag myself out of it and it is helping to a degree but I don't think it matters how much work I do, if I return to the same place I'm only going wind up back there at some point along the way.

You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results?!

I don't pretend it is going to be easy because to change you need to let go of things you're holding onto. There are a few things in particular I'm holding onto that must be released.

Chief among them is fear. Fear of living, it seems.

Someone I know who has been through a serious health battle said in an interview today that releasing fear from their body was a big part of getting on top of things.

I've often thought about what fear is doing to me. I might expand on that at another time.

To quote the song again - "I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong".

Inside A Mid-Life Crisis

In the movies when someone, usually a guy, is having what they call a 'mid-life crisis' they are usually seen cruising around in a fancy car or have had some kind of eye-opening makeover.

That may be true of some people. It may be the text book example. I doubt it's the norm.

I've been trying to work out what's been going on with myself for a while and I've concluded that it is in fact a mid-life crisis. At 45 it seems to fit. I have a huge sense of uncertainty, not helped at all by a global pandemic, and a simmering sense of fear.

It's the latter that is fuelling a lot of aspects of life, making it harder to get up and going in the morning and less willing to explore the world in all its forms. On the other side I have the sense of time running out, or probably more accurately of the limited amount of time that is available to us.

Kind of a paradox. I should be making the most of the time available particularly when I am in the shape, physically and financially to a degree, to be able to. But the fear is like a harness.

I suffer from a extreme lack of focus on anything that's not internal or related to my internal wellbeing. I don't seem to be able to connect with others as I default to living inside the prison that my fears have created in my head. I want to break free (apologies to Queen) but I want it to happen immediately and am unable to take the small steps required to emerge, have a sense that it's a permanent change, therefore a sustainable one. A quick fix won't, and never does, work.

This has to be what a mid-life crisis is. A realisation that you're not immortal, and wondering how important whatever it is you're doing. Whether there's some greater purpose or it's all just stuff you do and experience and it doesn't really matter.

Small steps are actually quite hard but they are the rewarding ones. Recently I committed to curbing a bad gambling habit, and it's so far so good. I pledged to not gamble on the machines, something that has been an issue from time to time, and at the end of each month donate $100 to charity. If for whatever reason I slip up, no matter how insignificant, I sign up to a self-exclusion program.

It's a good incentive and by donating money each month it's putting money to worthy causes.

I have a sense of determination about that which is handy, I just need more determination about myself in other areas. In no small part, mental health.

This pandemic is soul crushing but it isn't wholly responsible for my situation. It's a contributing factor at the moment but hopefully the pandemic will end. In Australia the problem isn't anywhere near as huge as it is in other parts of the world but we've seen in one state that it can shut life as we know it down. I've been wanting to come out of the pandemic in a better shape, it's not looking great at the moment but it's a war not just one battle.

I've said before I feel like I have no friends and that still stands, but I don't know how true that is. I'm sure I do but there's no sense of closeness and that's just as scary as the mid-life crisis itself.

Hole Digging During A Pandemic

There are smarter things I've done than attempt to come off an anti-depressant in the middle of a pandemic. Turns out I probably need it.
Everyone has been thrown a curve ball, regardless of whether or not your work has been affected, and it's difficult to adjust. I struggled in the early weeks leading into the shutdown of society as we know it with a sense of unease overwhelming my subconscious, eventually it seeped out and became a simmering level of anxiety. That was uncomfortable.
Now it's been about two months and people are starting to emerge again as restrictions are ever so slowly lifted. But, typical of all of us, you give an inch and most will take that mile.
I guess it's less an ignorance about the virus still being about and more a desire to get back to some kind of normal. Whatever that looks like.
There's nothing like a forced disconnection from the world to make someone who already feels like there's a wall around them to be even more isolated. Sure, I go to work which is handy and gives a sense of normal.
But I don't have any friends.
That's the hardest realisation to come to.
I suppose I can't blame anyone, I spend far too much time in my own world of idealism to be able to come out and interact. Regardless of whether I'm in the company of others or not.
At last look I have something like 830 'friends' on Facebook. Around 1400 people care enough to follow me on Twitter. It feels like zero.
Before any alarm bells start to ring I have to say while it is hard it's not a hole I can't get out of.
But how?
What does it mean when you make a point of trying to organise a catch up with people you think are your mates but it never happens? Are they too caught up in their world to venture into someone else's too? Or are you really not friends? You can't help but take it personally.
It's also hard to feel close to others when the powers that be keep telling you to stay away from people. No wonder when the opportunity for a meaningless encounter presents itself it seems even more appealing.
It's also easy to blame the pandemic but what will things look like when there's some semblance of normal? I have been determined to emerge better from this crisis.
How that looks I don't have a picture, especially from the hole I'm in at the moment.

Making a change

It's not a matter of just want, or even need. I must change.

To put it very broadly, I'm 39 shortly and I'm not particularly happy with things.

Being a bit more specific, though, I need a whole change of attitude, of outlook and of shape.

It was actually last night when I looked at myself that it occurred to me that I'm not getting any younger and I'm starting to look it.

I've met a few people along the way, around my age and even a little older, who seem to have it right and I have to admit to a certain amount of envy and - to put it a weird way - desire.

And let's face it, sometimes I don't feel desirable.

There are no fountains of youth, I know that. But by looking after myself more I am certain I can turn some things around. It's not about age, by the way.

So the most immediate thing I can do is to make sure I am getting a decent amount of exercise every day. Be it simply by walking to the train station instead of driving or getting to the gym more (though that has proven tricky at times as I tend to keep getting an injury which stops me from going thus adding to the problem) it is a must.

I have done it before as well, eating a bit less and more of the good things plus consistent exercise and I should see results semi-quickly.

So that's one part.

I must have a different attitude when it comes to a number of things. Given I work in a largely negative atmosphere it is easy to let that slip under your skin.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut when I, quite regularly, encounter incompetence or just apathy. That too can get the better of you.

I've become a little reckless - or at least careless - in other more intimate areas and that's an issue at times. And I wonder what will happen when I fix the first problem - will it actually cause this one to snowball.

Probably a risk worth taking because health is important and it should go double for me. It's funny that during a period of a few years not too long ago I was not once concerned about weight increases and was focused on making sure I wasn't losing it (long story, genuine reasons).

I must ensure gambling isn't hampering my lifestyle. I very much enjoy a flutter and I know that one side of it is very much in control. Another side has proven problematic at times but someone said something last night that hit home a bit for me and, as much as I do enjoy the odd machine play (especially when you win) life would be a lot healthier if it can go.

My outlook isn't always great. Sometimes I feel like things go around in circles and while consistency is excellent it can also hold you back. There have been several consistencies in the last decade or so and I often wonder what might happen if one or two changed. Not that I've instigated any, though.

I know I can be better, have more vitality and enjoy myself.

This was the first step. 

The second step happens tomorrow morning.

Simplify

I know it must sound like I'm all talk and no action.

While there may be an element of truth to that, some of the tasks I have set seem to be easier said than done, I do have a genuine desire to change.

I think the best way to change is to simplify life.

Exactly how life became so complicated I'm not entirely certain, but moving to a simpler life seems logical.

Key to this is deciding on what are distractions, particularly unhelpful ones, that are complicating things, making me feel bad or like I've made an avoidable mistake.

From what I can gather there are a few activities that I must look at.

One is a distraction that I should be avoiding, no question. Another distraction comes to mind but I'm not sure at this stage whether it is something I enjoy or not.

Trying to simplify life also involves simplifying your attitude and doing things on a basic level.

For example, I need to exercise more. It's something I have said for a while but every now and then I have to stop going to the gym because I do some kind of injury.

Instead of trying to be this buff adonis that you often see at the gym (which I'm not really trying to do given where I am starting from but it is hard not to notice - they are the ones looking at themselves in the mirror all the time. I don't blame them though, I probably would too!) I have to concentrate on going and exercising and improvement will come.

I don't think being an adonis is realistic but improving my fitness is.

Step one - go to the gym and exercise.

(I have something of a magpie phobia so that stops me from being outdoorsy in spring - not completely but enough to prevent long walks outside).

I've come across a few people this year who describe themselves as living a 'simple life' and I admire that. They seem fairly content with where they are at and that lifestyle seems very attractive,

I hope it is as easy as it sounds. I'm not suggesting that I will wake up tomorrow with a brand new attitude and lifestyle but I think I can start.

Wish me luck!

It's all about choice

During my weekend away it occurred to me that I quite often make poor choices.

And having given it a little thought I have decided that I might have stumbled upon the meaning of life.

It has nothing to do with higher powers, not that I don't believe there is one, making contributions or good deeds, being a 'better person' or anything like that.

It's all about choice.

Now I know it is not a very well thought out argument and it is sure to be easily dismissed. But think about it.

Everything we do comes down to what we choose.

It's a little like one of those 'choose your own adventure' books you used to read as a kid. You reach a point in the story then you have to make a choice and that choice then leads in a certain direction and set of consequences.

Do you believe in fate or destiny? You should, because you are largely in control of that.

I don't buy the 'Sliding Doors' example so much because that allows too many 'what ifs' to come into the equation.

As I said I have developed a habit of making some poor choices. I know they are poor choices because of the way I feel afterwards. When you learn a lesson it is quite often done the hard way, come at some cost.

So given that I am responsible for my choices, and that means you are responsible for yours, then I only have myself to blame.

I concede it is a short sighted argument in some ways but it also makes a bit of sense. If I choose to gamble I should accept that I could lose, if I lose and choose to gamble more.....you get the idea.

It goes with all sorts of things, who you choose to associate with, what job you choose, who you choose to love, who you choose to sleep with, what you choose to believe, how you choose to live, what you choose to do with your time, what you choose to do with your money, etc.

For me, I have to start making choices conducive to a better life.

It means I have to commit to making sensible decisions about things like gambling, to ensure my lifestyle is healthy and limit the distractions from the responsibilities I have.

To have fun too.

I don't think it's about finding whatever you see as happiness. That's a flowery, somewhat indescribable, aim that never seems achievable. 

I think if you can be content with the choices you make then you're on the right track.

After all, isn't that what Dr Brown said at the end of the Back To The Future trilogy? 'Your future isn't written yet, no ones is. The future is what you make of it, so make yours a good one'.....

Surely that is the meaning of life, right?

What do I want?

So what do I want?

It is a question that has been on my mind for a while now and I don't seem to be any closer to coming up with an answer.

In the past couple of years not a lot has changed. Same job, same home, same activities. Not that any of these things are bad by any means. Some stability is a very good thing.

I don't necessarily crave change but am opening up more and more to the idea that it is a good thing. Maybe Sheryl Crow is onto something - 'A Change Would Do You Good'?

If that is the case then what do I change?

My outlook varies from time to time. There are periods where I just want everything to be different, though I can't forget that there are areas in life that need consistency.

There are times when I wonder what I'm doing. Am I mixing with the right people?

A friend of mine observed a while back that I tend to gravitate towards things that are bad for me, as if I want to punish myself for something. How much truth is in that?

I know there are occasions when I have felt very much like beating myself up. Usually it is following a personal mistake of some kind.

Recently I watched the movie 'Shame' again because I felt like being kicked in the guts. And if you have seen the film in question you will know why it succeeds in achieving that goal.

I'd really like to go back and enlighten the me of 10 years ago about the direction I am heading at that time. How much different could things be?

I realise it isn't overly productive to think like that, if any of us could go back in time I'm sure it wouldn't just be to give ourselves advice. I know I would definitely be looking to profit from it.

There's a line, or a song I guess you would say, from the Buffy TV series - 'where do we go from here?'. At the moment there are a few paths in front of me.

The straight & narrow would be appropriate for one of them. Rolling the dice sounds right for another. The garden of good & evil could well be a third.

In 10 years time where would I like to be? Married? Children? It is hard to see that far ahead and I can say I'm not often focused on those things.

I seem to be just going along day by day and there's nothing wrong with that except I seem to end up in the same place.

Vices

We've all got them, those things that we know aren't good for us but we just can't help but fall under their spell.
At the moment I'm trying to offload one of my vices while at the same time trying to not let one I'm particularly enjoying be more than a little fun.
The vice I'm looking to lose is a bit of an unhelpful gambling habit that occasionally gets out of control. It's the type of gambling that you know you're not supposed to win at but for some reason it seems to be appealing.
I think you know the type I'm referring to.
Sometimes I wonder what part of the brain is overriding the common sense part that tells you that even if you do happen to have a win in the big picture you will lose.
I'd like to think I can overcome that. The feeling you get when you've lost is not pleasant, you feel like chasing the loss and you end up losing a lot more than you can, or should, afford. It's a different experience with the horses. There is less element of chance involved and I'd like to think my knowledge is better than the average person's.
So I am making an effort to overcome this vice.
The other one is at times a lot of fun and at other times I'm disappointed in myself. At the moment though I think the fun outweighs the disappointment so I'm happy to play a bit while it is fun.

Stagnation

Something really needs to change.
I've probably said this a number of times of late but never have I felt it so strongly.
I took a small step today by starting my gym program, and I definitely underestimated how hard it would be. Sure, I didn't think it would be easy - and anything that brings about physical change isn't going to be - but it still took me by surprise. Have to say it was very good, though.
I felt similarly to the time I went to a pilates class with a friend and pretty much thought I was going to die for about 15 minutes. It probably wasn't quite that bad - I didn't feel physically sick but I did know I had had a workout.
The plan is to go back on Thursday as other commitments will prevent me from going again tomorrow (and given how the body feels it is probably a good thing that I have a few days rest).
If I can lose between 3 and 5kg by the start of summer it will be a good achievement. And it will give me confidence that I'm doing things right outside the gym as well.
So that's a great step forward, albeit a relatively small one.
But still I feel that some areas of life need to be different. Part of it is in attitude, outlook and purpose.
I don't really know what I want, long term.
Hopefully I can begin to address this problem in the next few weeks, I'm in the process of doing some organisation in that area.
I do know that standing still is no way to move forward.
In some ways I probably don't have the guts to make the change that needs to be made. Certainly not yet, though it has been on my mind for quite some time.
I guess I hoped it would happen naturally. Alas, it hasn't.
That will be reassessed in the near future, it has to be, because I suspect that it is the area that is causing this stagnation.

Emotional time travel

I really dislike anxiety.
It's something I thought, at least in the back of my mind, that I was starting to get control of. Then something else comes up and I feel like I'm right back where I started all those years ago.
I don't know for sure that the anxiety is over nothing, at the moment it feels pretty real and it doesn't seem to matter that on an intellectual level I understand that what I fear probably won't come about.
That's the nature of anxiety, right? Fearing something bad is going to happen despite the fact you have reviewed the situation over and over and believe it will be all right.
It's what I think but the fear of the situation is almost overwhelming, worse than what I experienced when anxiety jumped its way onto my back and started weighing me down.
Yes, I am afraid. I think I will be fine but I can't know for sure straight away.
It's the waiting around that is the worst....there's nothing I can do about the situation now, I just have to wait and see. I try not to worry about it, sometimes I get distracted and that's great, but then it all comes flooding back.
I know that worrying and getting worked up about it doesn't help one bit, can't change any outcomes and just makes me feel bad. It makes me fixate even more. It's that whole vicious circle thing. It's almost like I've gone back in time.
There are a couple of milestones to pass but they seem to be so far away.
Why isn't acknowledging that anxiety is causing me trouble enough to make it go away? I do know the answer to that, incidentally.
I guess it is back to the drawing board, back to the books, back to the relaxation, get better at exercising regularly. Find something else to focus on.
It all sounds so easy in theory.

Stuck

Sheldon: I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?

The above quote from The Big Bang Theory was in my mind as I was thinking about this post. At the moment I feel kinda stuck.
I'm not particularly happy with some areas of life and while I'm not powerless to change some things it seems I am lacking in the willpower, or 'get up and go' required.
The first is some frustration in having actually gained weight since I started going to the gym late last year. I had hoped to lose 3-4kg instead I've put that on and a little bit more. Some of it admittedly can be contributed to increase is muscle tone (not that you can tell for the most part).
Part of the trouble is that I seem to keep injuring myself in the gym - straining my back is pretty common - and what I think needs to be done is to have a proper program organised so that I'm not overdoing it rather than doing things on an ad hoc basis.
General exercise is something I also must commit a bit more to. I used to love taking a walk on most days now I don't do it nearly as often. I'd also like to get to the pool a bit more.
The second thing involves my attitude to money.
I'm fortunate to have a good job and one that I enjoy but I haven't been as vigilant as I should be, especially given the way things have been going not only in the media but economically in general, with saving. I definitely have saved a bit this year but events in the past couple of months have seen me undo some of that good work.
I've set myself a little goal to save a certain amount before I head off on my next holiday in a few weeks time so hopefully I can stick with it. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I realise I've blown money I could have been using for something better - even for paying bills.
Then there's the fact that I am 37 and no closer to not being single than I was at 27. Don't get me wrong I'm enjoying the freedom that it allows and having some fun along the way but, ultimately, I wonder whether 'settling down' is for me. Are children for me?
There are a couple of other issues that remain in limbo, only solidifying the feeling of being stuck. One in particular would be so easy to shove along but I'm not sure if it is actually a good idea given one of my above points.
So I'm stuck not knowing which direction is forward, what decisions are the right ones to move forward and to shake the occasional feeling of discontent.

Here we go again

For once it isn't me that's going around in circles but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be taken along for the ride again.
It's hard enough to personally try and move forward.
While I still don't know what I want exactly, I do know that there is only so long you can hit your head against the wall before you work out it's doing you damage.
Am I in a position to change anything? Absolutely I am. However, I'm not overly willing to make knee-jerk reactions even though it is something that has been at the forefront of my thinking for a little while now.
Why the hesitation? Once you make changes you can't go back. I know that flies in the face of what I'm guessing I'm commenting on right now but they call it 'comfort' for a reason.
I'm trying hard to change a few things about myself and I'm finding that it isn't as easy in practice as it is in theory. No pain, no gain....that's pretty true. My pain thresh-hold when it comes to some things isn't overly high, though.
I recently watched the classic 1980 film The Blues Brothers (for the first time, I might add) and what struck me was that I really don't allow myself to have much fun.
To keep the movie references going, there's a scene in Six Degrees Of Separation where a two sided Kandinsky painting is held up and described as representing Chaos and Control. I like the illusion of being in control.

Turmoil

OK, this is going to be a bit personal.
I'm not really sure where I am at the moment, things are a bit strange. I could argue that some of it is not necessarily bad or unsettling, but it is significant.
It's been a while since I've experienced thoughts and feelings like I have recently (I should note, I'm not talking anything negative here) and not only has it come as a surprise it's causing a bit of turmoil.
That's an interesting word, really.
In some respects it's awesome that I can feel like this, for a long while I kind of felt numb or at least indifferent.
Perhaps getting off the anti-depressants, if only for a little while, was a good thing to do.
But the problem is that I don't know what to do with all this. And I don't know what I'm looking for, if anything at all.
Where should my energies be directed? I've spent a lot of time trying to work it out in my head and it just seems to get harder.
I have to say in one way all this is pretty great, if difficult to compartmentalise. I don't really do that, though, put things in different segments - perhaps that's another issue.
I think I'm rambling a bit now. In a way it's a good problem to have.
There are other side issues that need to be addressed, but I was hoping at least one or two of them would work themselves out naturally. Seemingly, though, this hasn't been the case.
So there are a couple of things in a bit of limbo and changes I'm in some ways ready to make but in other ways a fair way off considering. Perhaps July 1 isn't the day to be comprehending that.
I just wonder in what exciting direction this experience could take me....

A better life

When I was a teenager I'd often wonder what other people's lives were like as I walked past houses, particularly ones that looked better than mine.
I also daydreamed about living in the USA, I'd imagined that over there a better life was certain. That idea largely came from the fact that my TV died comprised a lot of American dramas - 90210, Party Of Five etc.
I think that wondering has stayed with me because I still look at other people and surmise that their lives must be better. Sure that is a very superficial assessment.
I don't have it bad. In fact I'm sure that there are a whole heap of people who would like to have had the opportunities that I have.
Small comfort, sometimes, though.
Then I think, what would it be like now if I had done some things differently. What if I'd decided to start working out when I was 16?
What if I had gone to a different university and done a different course? (That one would change things considerably I would suggest, but I have to say I do enjoy my job!).
I could keep listing questions and dwelling over possible 'sliding doors' moments. It won't get me anywhere.
If I want things to change I have to instigate them, take control of where I am heading as best as one can.
At least then I can't sit back and wonder what might have been.....

The hollow man

In the middle of everything that is going on in the world something occurred to me recently that in some way shocked me and in another way came as no surprise.
I can't feel anything.
No, I haven't been suddenly struck numb. I haven't lost my sense of touch but I think my inner sense of feeling has been eroded.
When it comes to myself I can feel all things. When it comes to external things it seems all I can come up with is what amounts to 'meh'. I know when something that is supposed to elicit some kind of emotion happens I can acknowledge it but am rarely physically affected.
It's almost like I've been desensitised to anything outside my existence. It's also a very scary thought.
The best way to describe it is kind of a hollow feeling.
I've discovered this, I guess, through a number of pretty hollow pursuits over the past few months. Among other things.
As I sit here and type I can feel all manner of things going on inside me, some I have become accustomed to and some I am perennially tortured by, but when it comes to the mind and the heart they are seemingly indifferent.
No small part of this has to be a result of a number of years on anti-depressants. These little white pills are very effective is getting you down to a moderate level and keeping you there. But that's the trouble, you're in this seemingly endless pattern of no real highs and no real big lows and it is really ticking me off.
I have tried a couple of times to taper off them but so far they have won. Seemingly I struggle when I reach a certain level and just can't seem to get beyond it.
If one thing is for sure - I don't want to be hollow.

Experience

Sometimes you need to do things that aren't exactly smart or out of your comfort zone.
I get noticeably nervous, at times, when I try this.
I've accused myself of playing it too safe a lot of the time so by stepping away from the norm should, theoretically, alleviate those nerve.
So far no good though.
Now I haven't gone out and become a daredevil. Or reckless. I would never do that.
But I have become more comfortable with travelling and exploring new places and meeting new people. In those 'new people' I have met some truly awesome new friends.
Experiencing a few new things is proving to be interesting. I also don't want to regret not getting out there a bit. Sooner and hopefully rather than later I'll be less nervous in these situations.
I guess when you're used to playing it super safe for so long stretching the boundaries can be easier said than done.
But I'm doing it.

Adventures

I've tried a few things lately with mixed results.
Overall I have to say that I have learned a lot, and not only about myself.
Sometimes when you attempt to improve yourself you don't expect things to be difficult - I'm not naive enough to believe that significant change is easy but when there are chemicals involved you have to take things steady (I am talking, in part, about prescription medication).
On the plus side I've become used to heading to the gym a couple of times a week and am almost comfortable there. That is something I didn't think possible.
Also a plus is that I have noticed the difference this type of regular exercise is having.
Perhaps a bit short sightedly, I decided to try and reduce the medication and this was a shade premature I think. So I had to stop and concede that I'm not ready yet, even though in some way I am very ready.
I'm not giving up on that quest, just postponing it.
I've also been a little more adventurous lately and, among other things, finally decided to book a trip to Perth which is something I had in the 'want to do but too hard basket' for quite a while.
That's happening in November and I have a couple of trips to Melbourne coming up before then. Who would have thought a few years ago that I would become such a jetsetter!

First or second

There is something to be said for knowing when you should put your needs first or consider others before yourself.
This is the dilemma du jour.
I guess I have felt this way for a while but chose to ignore, for want of a better description, the thought.
It keeps returning. Every now and then something will happen and I wonder why I don't just bite the bullet. It would require a fair bit of diligence and care to actually make that change but I have done it before, many years ago now.
I'm not in any danger of making any snap decisions about it but there is nothing wrong with keeping my options open a bit on the subject.

Wounded

I think I really hurt someone this week.
It was the right thing to do, I am certain of that, but I don't feel good about it. And don't get me wrong, I feel hurt too.
When it comes to another person's feelings there is no way to cushion a blow if it hits them right in a sensitive spot. I know this now. It was something I guess I suspected but when you don't allow yourself to expose the sensitive spot it can't get hit.
Distracted doesn't go far enough to describe how I was yesterday. I had one subject on my mind and it just wouldn't relent, it wouldn't let me go.
Even having dealt with the issue it still lingers a bit.
I get easily haunted and at the moment there is a song that is haunting me and it is somewhat related to what's been going on.
The trouble is, it is an amazing song and I don't want to stop listening to it.
I have learned a lot from the experience of this week.
I have learned about myself and I have discovered that there are things I might have to offer that I didn't credit myself for.
Still, I don't like the fact that out there in the world is someone who is feeling angry, a little I'd say, hurt and disappointed.
I couldn't help but feel cheated so that's why I took the action I did. I don't regret it because it was undoubtedly the best thing to do.
Like most lessons, this one has been learned the hard way but at the same time it has opened a door or two and that's both exciting and a bit scary.

Air of change

Snap decisions aren't really my forte so this is something I'll mull over for a while...
I've been getting the sense for a while now that things need to change in some areas, not necessarily internally because we all know that's gotta happen as well.
There isn't any particular reason for these thoughts and it's not the first time I've considered them either, but maybe this year is the year to act.
Again, I'm not really sure.
I could easily change my thinking on it, that can happen as well. Which is why snap decisions aren't a good idea.
Definitely need more of a positive aura around me.
Maybe it could be counter-productive, maybe it could be exactly what I need.
Perhaps the first thing to do would be to work harder on changing my way of thinking because that's screwing me around more than anything else at the moment.
I seem to be all over the place and at the whim of my (usually unhelpful) thoughts.
Around in circles is the usual pattern, if only I reach the day when I can break out of the circle.