Stuck

Sheldon: I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?

The above quote from The Big Bang Theory was in my mind as I was thinking about this post. At the moment I feel kinda stuck.
I'm not particularly happy with some areas of life and while I'm not powerless to change some things it seems I am lacking in the willpower, or 'get up and go' required.
The first is some frustration in having actually gained weight since I started going to the gym late last year. I had hoped to lose 3-4kg instead I've put that on and a little bit more. Some of it admittedly can be contributed to increase is muscle tone (not that you can tell for the most part).
Part of the trouble is that I seem to keep injuring myself in the gym - straining my back is pretty common - and what I think needs to be done is to have a proper program organised so that I'm not overdoing it rather than doing things on an ad hoc basis.
General exercise is something I also must commit a bit more to. I used to love taking a walk on most days now I don't do it nearly as often. I'd also like to get to the pool a bit more.
The second thing involves my attitude to money.
I'm fortunate to have a good job and one that I enjoy but I haven't been as vigilant as I should be, especially given the way things have been going not only in the media but economically in general, with saving. I definitely have saved a bit this year but events in the past couple of months have seen me undo some of that good work.
I've set myself a little goal to save a certain amount before I head off on my next holiday in a few weeks time so hopefully I can stick with it. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I realise I've blown money I could have been using for something better - even for paying bills.
Then there's the fact that I am 37 and no closer to not being single than I was at 27. Don't get me wrong I'm enjoying the freedom that it allows and having some fun along the way but, ultimately, I wonder whether 'settling down' is for me. Are children for me?
There are a couple of other issues that remain in limbo, only solidifying the feeling of being stuck. One in particular would be so easy to shove along but I'm not sure if it is actually a good idea given one of my above points.
So I'm stuck not knowing which direction is forward, what decisions are the right ones to move forward and to shake the occasional feeling of discontent.

Talk hard

Communication isn't as easy for some people as it is for others.
Unfortunately, despite the fact that is the industry I work in, outside of work I find communication to be very difficult.
I don't know whether it is that I think I have nothing to say, or whether I don't know how to express it, or if I'm too concerned about what's going on inside my head to be able to articulate it.
Sometimes talking is just not that simple.
I know people who can just talk to anyone. I don't know if it is an innate confidence thing, a personality thing or what it is. Whatever it is it seems I don't have it. Or at least I'm not willing to see if I have it.
There's a move from 1990 called Pump Up The Volume, it stars Christian Slater as a teenager (who looks well and truly in his 20s) who has moved to a new town and has no friends, finds it hard to connect with people and comes across to his parents and depressed and detached.
He starts broadcasting on short wave radio and his on air persona builds up quite a following.
It's easy to talk when you think nobody is listening.
I think this quote from the movie sums up a lot of us:
''We are all really scared to show who we really are. I am not perfect, I have just been going through the motions of being perfect, and inside I am screaming.''

The problem for me is that I'm not a teenager struggling to fit in.
It's true, though, it is the fact that I'm scared that is holding me back. Scared of all sorts of things that make seemingly simple things that much harder.
Talking is hard, even when I try to explain how I am feeling. Even when I am comfortable with the person I am talking with.
It has occurred to me that it might not be external things that are holding me back, but rather an internal fear that changing something is a bad thing. I don't know exactly.
Talk hard. It's a phrase used in the movie that I think is meant to say that you have to just get it out. Here goes.....

I wondered....

There's a line from what could be considered an obscure movie from 1994 called Threesome, which starred Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Charles and Stephen Baldwin, that has always stuck with me.
It seems that the older you get the truer it gets.

'I wondered how some people can be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?'

I always suspected it would be like that with certain people I've come across and that's generally pretty easy to accept. Things change, people change and people move on. We all do that. But some people also stick around.

Thought for the day

It's been a pretty big day, so here's some timely perspective from Michael J. Fox I came across in an article in the paper today.
We all know his story by now.

''I have to tell people, if you live long enough, something bad will happen to you. No matter what it is, loss of job, economic downturn, major illness, it will happen. You can see it as a calamity or you can own it and absorb it and accept it. Then allow time to pass and then view it for what it is, an opportunity.''

Some wise words I reckon and I'd like to think I can take it on board myself when I've had a hard day.

Who's the boss

It's been an interesting week so far as I fill the role of my boss while he's on holidays.
Happily everything has gone pretty well so far.
When you are in charge it certainly is an eye opening experience and I've enjoyed it largely. Having to make decisions, deal with the other people you work with in a different context and be responsible for the product sound great in theory and while they are great you forget at times that everything is riding on you.
You know what Peter Parker was told - ''with great power comes great responsibility''.
So now, TGIF tomorrow. Heading off to see Invictus at the movies and will have to think of good ways to stay out of the heat on Saturday (one comes to mind).

Friendship breaks

I met up with a friend tonight for the first time in over a year.
It was fairly easy and it was good to hear the goings on of his life in that time. We used to attend the same church and have both moved on since then, for not completely dissimilar reasons but different situations.
So we had a good chat, and it was kind of like nothing had changed even though there has been a break in the friendship, for want of a better description.
Whether this means we'll hang out a bit more now remains to be seen.
It is interesting how people disappear and resurface. It reminds me of a quote from the movie Threesome from the 90s. Different situation obviously but I think the sentiment is easy to relate to.
`I wondered how someone can be a necessary part of one's life one day then vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?'

Meh

My new favourite word.

Of course it has been popularised by The Simpsons in the episode Hungry Hungry Homer where Homer tries to get Bart and Lisa to go to a theme park an they reply with `meh'.

When Homer tries again Lisa says, `we said Meh. M-E-H, meh.''

Since then it has been officially recognised as a word, meaning an expression of boredom or apathy.

It also popped up in one of my favourite shows at the moment, The I.T. Crowd, when Roy wears a t-shirt with the word on it.

Just as an aside, that Simpsons episode also contains another scene that I love, where Homer wakes up in a Peanuts pose on top of the dog kennel. Bart comes out and says he could hear him yelling at the swing. Homer replies, with a dejected look, `but I love the swing'. Yeah, I know what you're going to say. Meh.

What's changed?

It's getting to the end of the year and that time when everyone has a look back.
For some reason I always remembered the line from Ally McBeal that went something like ``If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.''
I always loved that show.
Anyway, my year has contained many things though few, if any, tears for either reason. That's more of a chemical thing at the moment than anything else. It must be said that 2008 has been a tumultuous year, with the obvious event of the family house burning down midyear being one of the most significant.
I'm not going to go through a blow by blow, I can't remember a good part of it for whatever reason, and my annual movie reviews will be done in about 10 days or so. But the question I pose to myself is ... what's changed?
A couple of weeks ago I was told by someone that I'm a completely different person to the start of the year. The word unstable was used to describe me some 11 months ago.
I know I have come a long way but what has become apparent is that I have a long way to go. While stability-wise I am good I have stagnated in a few areas, tend to fall back on old habits from time to time and still worry far, far too much.
I don't know whether I need to take a different approach to things, like in the extreme, I'll admit, examples of George Costanza in Seinfeld doing the opposite of what he normally would do and the new Jim Carrey movie Yes Man where he starts saying yes to things instead of no.
Honestly I don't know whether I'd be able to go that far, when you're treading water you just grab hold of anything solid that you can and don't let go.
Call it a year of work in progress...

500 and counting...

I was hoping I'd have something awesome to post for my 500th post on this blog but you'll have to settle for a picture of the great Homer Simpson.
Woo-hoo, 500 posts - I didn't think I'd make it that far.

A classic Homer quote or two to celebrate:

- ``When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!''
- ``Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?''
- ``No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. ''
- ``Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!''
- ``And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?''

I could go on and on and on....

Movie day

With predictions of rain (that didn't eventuate) I hired a couple of movies to watch today and had a damn good time.
First up is Disturbia, the very smart thriller starring Shia LeBeouf (left) as a teen who, under house arrest, takes to spying on the neighbourhood and believes a serial killer lives among them.
I missed this at the movies and it was a bad miss because this is outstanding. Admittedly it does take a little while to warm up but it is not only enjoyable it has some great suspense. If you haven't seen it do yourself a favour.

My second film was one out of left-field. A movie that I hadn't heard of but that read well as I was browsing the aisles.

Called Big Eden it was definitely a surprise. There is no one of any huge note in the cast but it focuses on Henry Hart (Arye Gross), a New York artist who goes home to Big Eden (his home town) to look after his grandfather after he has a stroke.

The town is a warm, caring community and I think this puts Henry off kilter a bit. As he stays in the town he rekindles friendships and and old crush and comes to be relied upon by the locals.

All the while he's not comfortable in his skin. He can't let people in and there's a touching scene where his grandfather says `There are so many people here who want to pour love over you if only you would let them'.

Apparently this came out in 2000. It was an excellent film, surprising and warm.

A couple of other quotes struck me (though the context may help more):

- There's so few nice surprises in life. Seems to me that it'd be kind of a shame to squander one of them, don't ya think?

- Listen, you know what they say when you get lost in the woods? If you stay put, stay in one place and don't wander, they'll find you. And I was just hoping you'd let yourself be found this time. I was hoping you'd let us find you. But you keep wandering and we can't.

When you watch a couple of movies that engross or enlighten you it is time well spent. That's what I reckon anway.

Classic Simpsons Quotes

In honour of the Simpsons movie starting oh so soon, I'm going to roll out some of my favourite Simpsons quotes (admittedly most are from Homer), starting with my number 1 Homerism. Enjoy!

``I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.''
``I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!''
``Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.''
``I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?''
``God appeared before me in a dream and I knew that was special because I ususally dream about naked.....Marge.''
``It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.''
``How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?''
``I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is ... and it's me.''
``Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!''
``You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.''
``Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.''
``We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?''
``Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.''
``Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.''

Heroes quote

While watching one of the best shows on the box I noticed this quote from my favourite character, Peter Petrelli.
`The people I love aren't distractions.'
Awesome.