Getting Off The Carousel

In Australia we call them merry go rounds, I'm using the term carousel in reference to a song I've always liked and that seemingly takes on more significance each year.

The song, of course, is Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse (my favourite band - I'd love some new music guys).

Here's some of the lyrics:

"I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down, I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground, I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this.

"So when will this end, It goes on and on, Over and over and over again, Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop, Till I step down from this for good."

So I've been going around and around for far too long. I want to change, not just lifestyle but outlook and attitude. Let me tell you it's hard.

It hasn't helped that at this stage of the pandemic, despite Australia being in a fantastic position compared to many places around the world, things have taken a bit of a dark turn. I've had a couple of weeks of leave and at times have sunk a bit low.

This week I have tried to drag myself out of it and it is helping to a degree but I don't think it matters how much work I do, if I return to the same place I'm only going wind up back there at some point along the way.

You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results?!

I don't pretend it is going to be easy because to change you need to let go of things you're holding onto. There are a few things in particular I'm holding onto that must be released.

Chief among them is fear. Fear of living, it seems.

Someone I know who has been through a serious health battle said in an interview today that releasing fear from their body was a big part of getting on top of things.

I've often thought about what fear is doing to me. I might expand on that at another time.

To quote the song again - "I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong".

Surrounded

I read somewhere recently that it's difficult to stop/quit something if you continue to surround yourself with it.
Makes plenty of sense.
Of course there's probably situations where that's a bit difficult.
Fortunately for me there's one thing I know isn't good for me that I'm trying to give up - by trying I guess I'm saying I want to but am finding it hard to actually do it - and that's certainly not the case.
I might write a bit more about all this after Christmas as I'm about to head back to the home town for a few days.

Simplifying isn't as simple as it sounds

Over the past month or so I've been consuming some information through various platforms about simplifying life, establishing good habits for myself and trying to enjoy the world more.
It's much easier said than done.
The plan has been to de-clutter my room as a start point and other areas of the house. Not made a lot of progress there so far.
I know I have some bad habits and I've been pretty successful (touch wood) so far in shaking off one of them, for the second time, but I guess I'm still in the danger zone.
I've been listening to the Minimalists podcasts since I watched their documentary which explains what minimalism is and how two guys changed from having lives of excess to, as they put it, living with less.
One idea that has stood out for me is that if you're trying to stop something then you need to stop surrounding yourself with it. I'm putting that idea into practice in one particular area.
There's no doubt that I must change things.
Why is it that the bad habits, or certainly unhelpful ones, stick to you like leeches and good habits slide off like you're made of teflon?
Recently I joined the gym and have so far made a good fist of going a few times a week. Small steps first. The gym is a place I don't feel comfortable in, there's still the 25 year old me inside that wants to look as good as most of the people I see in that place and he's hard to let go of.
In reality I can't be an extremely fit 25 year old ever. Not unless I invent, or come across, a time machine.
In a way it's hard to let go of that thought. I have a couple of restrictions that will make significant physical change in the gym difficult but hopefully over the next six months I can see some improvement.
I'm likely to move house some time in the new year so a bit of decluttering early on can only be a good thing. Undoubtedly I have plenty of 'things' I don't need, that don't give me any real joy or add value to life.
The biggest challenge I face is myself.
I was reading Mark Manson's book 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F**k' and aside from being very easy to read he makes a lot of sense in his own un-subtle way.
Some time ago I faced what I'd call a major life hurdle and I let it beat me for quite a number of years. In the book he talks about challenges and how we respond to them. Some people face them head on, and come through them stronger. Others (like me) let themselves be overpowered and as a result find things like change difficult to navigate.
Here's to the first step towards making change a little easier....

Self improvement drive

Friends, now is the time to get serious. Actually, it's well past the time but better late than never.
After a discussion with a mate last week I've decided to have a red hot go at making improvements and shaking off the bad habits.
I'm not going to set a particular day to day plan right now, that may come later, as it is not a 'specific number of days' challenge.
1. Learn how to be good to yourself. This means put some effort into looking after myself physically, mentally and aesthetically. The latter is a strange one, but it basically means pay a bit of attention to grooming. Present well.
2. Tidy up. My room is a bit of a mess and it probably is a reflection of where things are.
3. Exercise. I'm never going to be a buff gym toned Adonis but I can make an effort to be better. I don't know why it is so easy to fall out of the habit of something as simple and good for you as exercise. Sure, I've had injury issues recently and that's starting to have an effect via lack of conditioning, but it should be a no-brainer.
4. Try new things. I went to the theatre the other night and it's something I should consider doing a bit more of.
5. Don't be ashamed. Speaks for itself really.
6. Shed bad habits. Probably unrealistic to say I won't have any bad habits but I do need to make a big effort to stop gambling on the machines. I know you can't win and I have had periods of abstinence but I can do better than that.
7. Do things I enjoy.
8. Learn to talk more. I tend to be on the quiet side most of the time, it's almost like I don't know how to do small talk and it is a hindrance in social situations.

Let's see how I go. Surely it can only be good for me.
Feel free to offer any suggestions or encouragements or anecdotes.

Where do we go from here?

Yes, it's a classic line from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. We've reached a point where you can't turn around, move sideways or seemingly can't go forward.

Where do we go from here?

Stalling is very easy, there are a million ways to tread water and be unmoved.

I do that a lot.

So much has changed around me this year. I so much want to make some kind of change but I don't know where to start.

Where I live? Work? Interests? Lifestyle? Leisure?

I've clearly lost a bit of passion for some things I used to revel in. I lack focus, am easily distracted and don't seem to have enough desire to fix it up.

Where do I go? Where do I start?

Getting real

Haven't been on here for quite a while but now is the time.

It's been a challenging period over the last six months or so for reasons which I may go into at another time.

What has happened though is that I have lost focus, lost sight of a lot of things and become caught up in bad habits.

One in particular can be very damaging. I have developed a worrying habit of playing poker machines that I am eager to curtail and for good.

I understand the reality of those machines - that they are designed for you to lose. You can have wins but ultimately you will lose.

Now I don't know why I'm doing this as I am not really in a position to go throwing away money. Who is? Even if I go to spend just half an hour there it can end up a couple and you just end up chasing your losses.

So I'm writing this as something of a reminder to myself that I need to get my act together and move away from this habit.

If you have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment.

I very much dislike the way it feels when you lose. It seems simple to think if you don't like the way something makes you feel then stopping should be easy. Somehow it's not that simple.

Making a change

It's not a matter of just want, or even need. I must change.

To put it very broadly, I'm 39 shortly and I'm not particularly happy with things.

Being a bit more specific, though, I need a whole change of attitude, of outlook and of shape.

It was actually last night when I looked at myself that it occurred to me that I'm not getting any younger and I'm starting to look it.

I've met a few people along the way, around my age and even a little older, who seem to have it right and I have to admit to a certain amount of envy and - to put it a weird way - desire.

And let's face it, sometimes I don't feel desirable.

There are no fountains of youth, I know that. But by looking after myself more I am certain I can turn some things around. It's not about age, by the way.

So the most immediate thing I can do is to make sure I am getting a decent amount of exercise every day. Be it simply by walking to the train station instead of driving or getting to the gym more (though that has proven tricky at times as I tend to keep getting an injury which stops me from going thus adding to the problem) it is a must.

I have done it before as well, eating a bit less and more of the good things plus consistent exercise and I should see results semi-quickly.

So that's one part.

I must have a different attitude when it comes to a number of things. Given I work in a largely negative atmosphere it is easy to let that slip under your skin.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut when I, quite regularly, encounter incompetence or just apathy. That too can get the better of you.

I've become a little reckless - or at least careless - in other more intimate areas and that's an issue at times. And I wonder what will happen when I fix the first problem - will it actually cause this one to snowball.

Probably a risk worth taking because health is important and it should go double for me. It's funny that during a period of a few years not too long ago I was not once concerned about weight increases and was focused on making sure I wasn't losing it (long story, genuine reasons).

I must ensure gambling isn't hampering my lifestyle. I very much enjoy a flutter and I know that one side of it is very much in control. Another side has proven problematic at times but someone said something last night that hit home a bit for me and, as much as I do enjoy the odd machine play (especially when you win) life would be a lot healthier if it can go.

My outlook isn't always great. Sometimes I feel like things go around in circles and while consistency is excellent it can also hold you back. There have been several consistencies in the last decade or so and I often wonder what might happen if one or two changed. Not that I've instigated any, though.

I know I can be better, have more vitality and enjoy myself.

This was the first step. 

The second step happens tomorrow morning.

Simplify

I know it must sound like I'm all talk and no action.

While there may be an element of truth to that, some of the tasks I have set seem to be easier said than done, I do have a genuine desire to change.

I think the best way to change is to simplify life.

Exactly how life became so complicated I'm not entirely certain, but moving to a simpler life seems logical.

Key to this is deciding on what are distractions, particularly unhelpful ones, that are complicating things, making me feel bad or like I've made an avoidable mistake.

From what I can gather there are a few activities that I must look at.

One is a distraction that I should be avoiding, no question. Another distraction comes to mind but I'm not sure at this stage whether it is something I enjoy or not.

Trying to simplify life also involves simplifying your attitude and doing things on a basic level.

For example, I need to exercise more. It's something I have said for a while but every now and then I have to stop going to the gym because I do some kind of injury.

Instead of trying to be this buff adonis that you often see at the gym (which I'm not really trying to do given where I am starting from but it is hard not to notice - they are the ones looking at themselves in the mirror all the time. I don't blame them though, I probably would too!) I have to concentrate on going and exercising and improvement will come.

I don't think being an adonis is realistic but improving my fitness is.

Step one - go to the gym and exercise.

(I have something of a magpie phobia so that stops me from being outdoorsy in spring - not completely but enough to prevent long walks outside).

I've come across a few people this year who describe themselves as living a 'simple life' and I admire that. They seem fairly content with where they are at and that lifestyle seems very attractive,

I hope it is as easy as it sounds. I'm not suggesting that I will wake up tomorrow with a brand new attitude and lifestyle but I think I can start.

Wish me luck!

What do I want?

So what do I want?

It is a question that has been on my mind for a while now and I don't seem to be any closer to coming up with an answer.

In the past couple of years not a lot has changed. Same job, same home, same activities. Not that any of these things are bad by any means. Some stability is a very good thing.

I don't necessarily crave change but am opening up more and more to the idea that it is a good thing. Maybe Sheryl Crow is onto something - 'A Change Would Do You Good'?

If that is the case then what do I change?

My outlook varies from time to time. There are periods where I just want everything to be different, though I can't forget that there are areas in life that need consistency.

There are times when I wonder what I'm doing. Am I mixing with the right people?

A friend of mine observed a while back that I tend to gravitate towards things that are bad for me, as if I want to punish myself for something. How much truth is in that?

I know there are occasions when I have felt very much like beating myself up. Usually it is following a personal mistake of some kind.

Recently I watched the movie 'Shame' again because I felt like being kicked in the guts. And if you have seen the film in question you will know why it succeeds in achieving that goal.

I'd really like to go back and enlighten the me of 10 years ago about the direction I am heading at that time. How much different could things be?

I realise it isn't overly productive to think like that, if any of us could go back in time I'm sure it wouldn't just be to give ourselves advice. I know I would definitely be looking to profit from it.

There's a line, or a song I guess you would say, from the Buffy TV series - 'where do we go from here?'. At the moment there are a few paths in front of me.

The straight & narrow would be appropriate for one of them. Rolling the dice sounds right for another. The garden of good & evil could well be a third.

In 10 years time where would I like to be? Married? Children? It is hard to see that far ahead and I can say I'm not often focused on those things.

I seem to be just going along day by day and there's nothing wrong with that except I seem to end up in the same place.

The Pros and Cons of slipping up

So I was trucking along very well with 18 days of no playing the machines.

While on holidays I slipped up, I have to admit deliberately, and spent time playing them. On the plus side, I won quite a bit.

On the minus side, today I did it again and lost quite a bit.

I am we'll and truly in front for the weekend but today's events have proven to me that I must return to banning myself from the machines.

It makes sense. I was going great for the almost three weeks and that proves to me that I can do it. I'm best to stick to the races when it comes to gambling.

I learnt a lesson that could have been a lot more costly.

Seventeen and counting

I'm almost up to three weeks now on the Challenge and all is going well.
I find it amazing and awesome that something as simple as a little 'challenge' has been enough to get me out of the habit that had been troubling me.
I don't pretend I have won the battle yet but after 17 days I'd have to say I'm getting on top.
I've been away a bit and am going away again shortly but after that I should get a bit more consistent with posting and resume the movie reviews.

The 100 Day Challenge

It's time to get serious and beat this troubling habit I've developed when it comes to the poker machines.
How and why it started doesn't matter, it was pretty innocuous, but what does matter is that is has reached a stage where it could be a big problem if I continue down the path I seem to be headed.
So I came across the 100 Day Challenge - a goal to set and commit to not gambling on the machines for 100 days.
By then the habit should be broken and while I don't pretend it will be easy it's great to have a goal to work towards.
100 days is a long time and it isn't a long time - if you know what I mean.
It's important to me to be able to win the mental battle here because there are bigger battles up ahead.
Yes, I have a problem. This is the first step on the way to beating it.
Wish me luck.

Psychobabble

It's been a while since I last posted anything but that's largely from a desire to take a break and decide whether I want to keep doing this.
I've decided that I do.
In the past couple of months I've given a lot of thought to where I'm heading in life.
I know it's a big question to ask yourself, I don't know how many people consciously do it though I suspect many do.
Aside from the larger topics of work, happiness or contentment, relationships I've decided that I must place a larger emphasis on health, specifically, exercise and fitness.
I don't think I'm ever going to reach the stage where I'm considered 'buff, athletic or even toned' but so long as I feel comfortable (as opposed to uncomfortable at the moment) with my physical appearance then I'll be happy.
In many ways I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been but what has crept up on me, and I have alluded to it now and then, is the fact that a bit of weight has crept on and I have reached a stage where it is noticeable and uncomfortable. (You know, your clothes don't fit quite as well etc).
For other health reasons, I have always feared losing weight. As silly as that may sound it is completely true.
I've paid little attention to the fact that I've put on weight in the past 12 months or so because it has never worried me, whereas losing it has.
(If you really want to know why feel free to ask but trust me it's a legitimate, if not completely logical, fear).
Now I must push past the psychobabble and actually drop some weight. And that, if you've ever had weight issues, is something that is not as easy as it sounds, despite the prevalence of weight loss shows and fad diets these days.
I should know, I've done it once before and it is as simple as this - move more, eat less.
While the philosophy is simple, the practice isn't because it involves changing habits that you have slipped into. It means making sure you go for a decent walk every day and being more conscious about the amounts of food you eat as well as what you eat.
I can't just go running to the gym because whenever I go there I tend to wind up injuring myself of overdoing it. So the plan at the moment is to make the lighter exercise a habit, a consistent part of life, again and start to feel the difference. Then I'll know it is time to start going to the gym again to build on it.
For my height, a weight of around 90-95kg would be considered pretty well in the healthy range. It will take a while to reach that I think - while I won't divulge my current weight here I'll say that I certainly don't need to lose 20kg to make that mark.
I actually must stay off the scales for a little while, and you shouldn't weigh yourself every day anyway.
I have made a start. I had a good walk on Saturday and Tuesday and today (Wednesday). I was out out of town on Sunday and Monday but I spent a good portion of that on my feet (though did attend a dinner and lunch so that probably cancels itself out).
Hopefully within a couple of months I'll start to see a difference. A few weeks would be a good encouragement but it is something that takes time. Wish me luck!

Stagnation

Something really needs to change.
I've probably said this a number of times of late but never have I felt it so strongly.
I took a small step today by starting my gym program, and I definitely underestimated how hard it would be. Sure, I didn't think it would be easy - and anything that brings about physical change isn't going to be - but it still took me by surprise. Have to say it was very good, though.
I felt similarly to the time I went to a pilates class with a friend and pretty much thought I was going to die for about 15 minutes. It probably wasn't quite that bad - I didn't feel physically sick but I did know I had had a workout.
The plan is to go back on Thursday as other commitments will prevent me from going again tomorrow (and given how the body feels it is probably a good thing that I have a few days rest).
If I can lose between 3 and 5kg by the start of summer it will be a good achievement. And it will give me confidence that I'm doing things right outside the gym as well.
So that's a great step forward, albeit a relatively small one.
But still I feel that some areas of life need to be different. Part of it is in attitude, outlook and purpose.
I don't really know what I want, long term.
Hopefully I can begin to address this problem in the next few weeks, I'm in the process of doing some organisation in that area.
I do know that standing still is no way to move forward.
In some ways I probably don't have the guts to make the change that needs to be made. Certainly not yet, though it has been on my mind for quite some time.
I guess I hoped it would happen naturally. Alas, it hasn't.
That will be reassessed in the near future, it has to be, because I suspect that it is the area that is causing this stagnation.

A story in 10 sentences

Ryan turned, head down and breathed.

Tim followed, stopping him with a firm hand on his shoulder.

''You're not wrong,'' he said. ''It's complicated.''

A deep breath later Ryan faced Tim.

''We'll get through this together,'' he said.

They shook hands, embraced and entered the room.

It was quiet, empty, damp.

Ryan felt nervous but strong.

They sat, well aware of the people staring.

''So what if they're staring?'' he said.

Out of focus

It's really time that I got a bit of direction.
Sure, I've been coasting along reasonably well (considering a few things) and could quite easily continue that way. But I think I'll look back in five years or so and wish I'd handled things differently.
I certainly feel that way about myself five years ago at the moment.
Knowing what I know now, I really do regret not taking a few more risks then and not challenging myself at a time when I didn't think I had the strength to cope with them.
Now that I know I have the strength to handle more than I thought I have to take that confidence and ensure that I'm not the same person come 2017. You know what I mean.
In some ways I hope I am the same person but I need to be enhanced. Sure, physically I need some improvement and I must set a proper goal with my exercise program (or lack thereof the past few weeks).
What I'd really like by Christmas (since that's is a widely accepted end-time goal), or summer at least, is to have lost 5kg and be undertaking a proper exercise regime.
I have a distinct lack of focus these days. I've been distracted by certain things, things I have and am enjoying, and I think I've lost a bit of sight of what is actually a healthy lifestyle (by this I don't mean the exercise stuff, more what is considered emotionally healthy) and how to incorporate a number of aspects of life without affecting work and social aspects.
It's very important that I don't just note this down and then go away and ignore it.
This week I plan to stop into my gym (which is at work conveniently) and arrange to have a program worked out for me to start when I get back from holidays. In the couple of weeks of that break from work I need to ensure I'm exercising a bit and watching what I eat more.
I can't stress how important it is that I am able to lose the 5kg. It would actually be a pretty big psychological win because weight loss has long been something I have feared. That might sound like a silly statement but there is a very good reason for it.

Turmoil

OK, this is going to be a bit personal.
I'm not really sure where I am at the moment, things are a bit strange. I could argue that some of it is not necessarily bad or unsettling, but it is significant.
It's been a while since I've experienced thoughts and feelings like I have recently (I should note, I'm not talking anything negative here) and not only has it come as a surprise it's causing a bit of turmoil.
That's an interesting word, really.
In some respects it's awesome that I can feel like this, for a long while I kind of felt numb or at least indifferent.
Perhaps getting off the anti-depressants, if only for a little while, was a good thing to do.
But the problem is that I don't know what to do with all this. And I don't know what I'm looking for, if anything at all.
Where should my energies be directed? I've spent a lot of time trying to work it out in my head and it just seems to get harder.
I have to say in one way all this is pretty great, if difficult to compartmentalise. I don't really do that, though, put things in different segments - perhaps that's another issue.
I think I'm rambling a bit now. In a way it's a good problem to have.
There are other side issues that need to be addressed, but I was hoping at least one or two of them would work themselves out naturally. Seemingly, though, this hasn't been the case.
So there are a couple of things in a bit of limbo and changes I'm in some ways ready to make but in other ways a fair way off considering. Perhaps July 1 isn't the day to be comprehending that.
I just wonder in what exciting direction this experience could take me....

Tapering

I think I'm on my third or fourth attempt at tapering off the anti-depressants I've been using for almost seven years now.
It seems like longer in some respects. Then again you get so used to taking them they become just a part of the routine.
But that's the important thing - routine. It's imperative that things change in that area. it is all well and good to have a routine, or series of habits, but you can't get too comfortable.
For a while now it has been on my radar that some things need to change. Certainly in the last six to nine months I have done some things differently, had some new experiences and taken a few more risks.
Some of those risks have been worthwhile, others have not been so successful.
I also went through an extended period of restraining from gambling. I did that with a fair degree of success though did begin to slip up towards the end. It was still a win, pun kind of intended.
The anti-depressants are a crutch in a way but at the same time they are a burden.
They make you feel nothing. Well, more to the point they have you in perpetual state of 'meh'. That gets frustrating.
One of the changes I am proud of is being able to make at least a semi-regular commitment to going to the gym. I certainly have noticed the difference and I think it has contributed a fair bit towards getting as far along with the tapering that I have to date.
I am half way there. For the first time in my attempts of reduction I have made it to the half way mark and while I am experiencing a bit of the headache-type withdrawl symptoms they aren't too bad at this stage. I figure if I can get through another week or so I might be ready to make a further reduction and then the finish line will be in sight.
I definitely feel some benefits from being on the reduced amount....the 'meh' feeling isn't so pronounced but I have to be wary that I need to be vigilant in keeping up the natural production of serotonin.
It will be an achievement of no small amount when I reach the goal of being anti-depressant free.

Resolution

I rarely make New Years resolutions but I think that it is important that I start 2012 in the right way and make an effort to change a few things.
I have alluded to this already.
My resolution is to give up all forms of gambling, be they racehorses, machines etc, until Golden Slipper Day which is Easter Saturday this year in early April.
I think three months is a good starting point. It will allow me to save a bit of money and get back onto the right trajectory financially.
When I say save money, obviously gambling has its risks and lately I haven't been very sensible with my gambling. Hence the urge to stop and shake off the reckless spending.
I hope to save quite a deal of money in 2012 and I have even drawn up a budget to help me work out where my money is going.
I have to finalise that in the next couple of days.
I also need to find a couple of extra activities to take the focus off the gambling which is important because of my job.
So, here's to a 2012 that will see plenty of positive growth.

The first step

OK, so I have a problem.
It started fairly innocently really. I was at my aunt's funeral a couple of years ago and dad gave me $50 to have a few bets on the horses.
After looking over the race fields I decided to head to the poker machine (or slot machine for anyone in the USA) area and spend it there. Guess what? I ended up with about $150.
They don't call it beginner's luck for nothing.
Technically, I wasn't a beginner. When I turned 18 I decided it was something of a rite of passage if I played the machines - so I invested $20 and played for a while and wound up collecting $20. Harmless, really.
Somehow after that experience in Orange I started to play the machines a bit more. I'd put in $20 here or there. Again, harmless fun if I lost.
Over time it grew to putting in $50 at the start and increasing the wager. I've never gone higher than that as a starting point but quite often I haven't stopped at that initial outlay.
Somewhere in the human brain is a switch that seems to stop the common sense part of your mind and allows you to think that you can win your money back and then some. Even though you know that at best it comes down to random luck and at worst it is geared towards you losing, you still think that.
I don't know how else to explain it. I know you can't win in the long run. The short term you can get some wins but you're kidding yourself if you think it can be sustained.
Out of nothing this habit has become a problem. I vow that it won't have any further negative effect on me, it's not fun and I can see that it has the potential to grow into a bigger problem.
Why bet on pure chance with a machine when it is designed for you to lose? I've spent most of my professional life working in the horse racing industry and I know all about risk. With the horses there are factors that can eliminate certain outcomes, with the machines you have no control - it's all down to pure chance and, as they say in casinos, the house always wins.
So I have taken the first step - this is a problem that can be fixed.
Stick with what you know and back yourself, not a machine.
I must be strong in keeping myself in line and then what has become a bad habit can return to something that I tried once and moved on, once again.
Why is it, though, that a habit (particularly a bad one) is so easy to start but so difficult to finish?