Contemplation

The biggest thing bugging me at the moment is, put simply, that I don't know where I stand.
Yes that is a broad generalisation, here's the detail.
....with myself.
It might sound strange but I've had such a ride in the last six months or so I'm not sure if I'm me anymore. I've been through scary low points to somewhat normal but am generally stuck somewhere in between.
....with Church.
A while back I decided I needed a break from my home church of over five years. I felt like energy was being drawn out of me by going there. Two Sundays ago I went for the first time in about 10 weeks and it was nice, though a shade odd to be there after so long but that was probably just me. I still don't know where things sit there.
In no way have I loosened grip on my faith, if anything tough times make you stronger, and I should point that out.
....with friends.
When things get really difficult, you know who you can count on because it becomes obvious. Obvious because the ones you can't count on tend to disappear. They don't call, don't check in, don't visit. That's hard to take.
....with health.
Perhaps that will become a shade clearer tomorrow but with so much upheaval I have become a bit spooked by all these crises. I'm generally pretty good but health isn't all about the physical stuff.
....with where I am headed.
It's all uncertainty when it shouldn't be so foggy. There should be a clear direction but all there is are circles.

When push comes to shove you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break 'cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your head, shake it off. Then you stand. (Rascal Flatts' Stand)