Instability

How much life is ruled by the past is consistently amazing me at the moment.
I'm going to use a word that isn't desirable but here it comes - things should be going a lot better than they seem to be.
The instability going on inside is uncomfortable and at times a source of either fear or anxiety. (I have to say though I have improved greatly on the latter score.)
I feel that I should (there it is again) have a better handle on things than I do. Am I expecting too much of myself? Am I too caught up in second guessing myself to actually live properly?
Because that is what it comes down to. A life half lived at the moment.
As much as I'd love to bust out and just do whatever there is something gripping on and holding me back. That is causing the instability. What might happen goes ahead of everything in the thought process.
I have taken many steps forward in the last 18 months or so, some steps back, but it is a net gain. Another step is set to be taken next month but more on that when it happens.
I seem to be always looking over my shoulder, waiting for something bad to creep up on me and set me back again. That in itself is self defeating.
Many people don't get the opportunity to look forward as I have and instead of embracing it I deconstruct it and play on the negative. I am getting better at looking at the positives.
I'm open to thoughts though I realise there is some cryptic stuff going on here. If you know then you know, simple as that.
I know that I can make it to a more stable place. I just want it now.