Dear Friend

When the line between friends and more than friends comes up it's hard to know which way to turn. Obviously the right turn was made but there'll always be a wondering.

There are many hurdles even when it comes to friendships and distance is one of those. How can they grow when you're never in the same room? I don't know what the future holds even on that front given we are worlds apart - and not just when it comes to home address.

But there's no denying it, you blew me away. And it opened something that I didn't think could be opened. It's never been felt before, not in that way anyway.

I hope I'll be better for it, in the long run. Yeah it hurts a bit, but it's because I allowed myself to be open to the possibility. Ultimately nothing may have happened. But something already did happen.

So it's all a bit hard to process. I can't help but feel like I missed out, and that proximity or lack of it worked against it. Knowing that makes it harder to move past, at least as quickly as I'd like it to. 

Friends are tough to make these days, so much of that simple connection has been lost, especially from scratch but we made it that far and that's pretty special. 

It will be good enough in time.

We're Not Invincible

Thinking about a subject like mortality isn't something that should be at the forefront of your mind. Or should it? Unhealthy levels of course can't be good for you, and I can attest to that.

There's long been a simmering level of fear when the realisation that you're not invincible jumps into the head. I can't explain it. Been there since I was a kid. It goes dormant for periods, sometimes very long periods.

But whether it's a midlife crisis or something like that the thoughts have been with me for quite a while. I think they were sparked and fuelled by the pandemic lockdowns and the isolation that caused, both physically and emotionally.

Then a couple of times in the past few months I experienced chest pains. Investigations came up with no serious cause, possibly just some inflammation in the chest bone area.

What was shaking though, is that the scans showed up something we didn't know was there. A couple of aneurysms in the splenic artery. I didn't really know what that meant. I'd always associated aneurysms with the brain because that's what you usually hear about.

It's been somewhat jarring. Living far too much in fear of what might happen, I get paralysed by thinking the worst and feeling sensations in the body go into overdrive. I've been fortunate enough so far to have been able to seek and receive some management and treatment options quickly. It means, all being well, I will have them attended to within a month starting with an angiogram in a few days time.

Still, it's quite daunting and you can't help feeling the isolation again. Especially living alone. I definitely feel better about it knowing something can and is being done. I'm just impatient.

I also thought writing down these fears would be helpful. I'm not good at relaxing and switching off and prioritising my mental wellbeing. I'm one of those people who goes overboard with all the 'what ifs'.

Any encouragement would be well received. I know I don't post a whole lot, perhaps articulating things is the outlet that's needed.

Hopefully everything goes well and it's a simple procedure that is completed without incident. That's the best thing to hope for.

The 2021 Raymo Awards

It's that time again, my wrap of the year in film and for obvious reasons the tally was down again in 2021 with just 22 films on the list. (Damn you, Covid).

On the whole the quality was a bit down largely due to studios delaying a lot of their major releases again. On the plus side I saw a few films I may not have seen had things been normal.

Only seven films scored 8/10 or above but another nine scored 7/10 or above so that says there were a lot of good films but not so many great ones. Let's hope that improves next year.

So here's my top 5 films of 2021 and it's a bit Marvel heavy.

1. Spider-Man: No Way Home (9.5/10)

Marvel and Sony finally worked together properly and we get a Spider-Man movie that is going to be difficult to top. Ever. Without doing spoilers, this was ultimate fan service as Tom Holland's Spider-Man had to do battle with villains from other universes (basically the previous Sony Spider-Man movies) after a spell to make people forget Peter Parker is Spider-Man (following the events of Far From Home) went horribly wrong. Once it hits stride everything about it is awesome.

2. Shang-Chi And The Legend Of The Ten Rings (8.5/10)

A new addition to the Marvel ranks and this was so much fun. Shaun and Katy are valets and living the life of 20-somethings who don't have any big plans. Until a bus ride reveals Shaun is actually Shang-Chi, who was trained as an assassin as a young boy by his father who happens to be The Mandarin (a legendary Marvel villain). The action gets over the top in the second half but retains its sense of fun and wonder and ties into the MCU nicely.

3. Black Widow (8.5/10)

Natasha Romanoff finally gets her stand alone film having sacrificed herself in the events of Avengers Endgame. The movies tells the back story of the Black Widow and introduces us to her 'family' which includes a sister Yelena who we meet again in the Disney Plus series Hawkeye. It's all the action you would expect and I thought it gave Natasha a chance to stand out instead of being a support character though you could argue her family upstaged her at times. Lived up to expectation but didn't exceed it.

4. The Father (8/10)

With hindsight this would probably have scored a 9 but I have to go with my ratings. I described this as the scariest movie I've seen in a while. It's not a horror or thriller of any kind. It's a masterclass from Anthony Hopkins who deservedly won an Oscar for his role as a man with dementia. Told through his eyes, it's shocking when you realise how it is affecting him and you see his deterioration. If you haven't seen it make sure you do, but be prepared to be kicked in the guts by the reality of it.

5. Nomadland (8/10)

The first movie I saw in 2021 and another that probably gets a higher rating with the benefit of another go. Frances McDormand stars as a woman who leaves her home when her husband dies to live life as a nomad in a van, travelling around and meeting other nomads. McDormand is one of only two actors in the film, the rest of the cast are real life nomads and some of their stories are amazing. She won the Best Actress Oscar and you can see why. It's a bit of a sparse film and can be slow at times which took away from the first viewing but it's brilliant and worth a look.

Honourable Mentions: Other films to score 8/10 were High Ground, a story that centres on the massacre of an Aboriginal tribe in 1919, and Fast & Furious 9 (yeah I know I'm a sucker for these films but it was up to its ridiculous standard).

Worth a watch: Ghostbusters Afterlife (7.5) is a lot of fun and a worthy addition to the franchise, Eternals (7.5) was as good as a film that introduces 12 new characters into a franchise at once, Penguin Bloom and Dream Horse (7.5) are good based on true story films and A Quiet Place Part 2 (7.5) lived up to expectation.

Surprise Of The Year: Has to be Shang Chi & The Legend Of The Ten Rings. Just didn't expect it to be as awesome as it was.

Flop Of The Year: The Matrix Resurrections (4/10). Unnecessary sequel, flat story and a bored Keanu Reeves. Don't see it.

Film I Wanted To Like More: Dear Evan Hansen (6/10) - based on an award winning play, this musical has a brilliant story about an awkward teenager struggling with anxiety and depression that doesn't transfer to film as well as it should. You can read my full review a bit further down the page, I had high hopes for it and was let down by the format and casting (as good as Ben Platt is he's now far too old for the part and it shows).

What's on in 2022? It appears as though most films will now come out as planned and there's a few sequels I'm apprehensive about (the first one is Scream 5), Dr Strange & The Multiverse Of Madness has plenty riding on it, Jurassic World 3 is due and bring on Sonic The Hedgehog 2!

The Start Of Something

They say habits are difficult to form, good ones anyway, but it seems they are easy to let go of.

What are my interests? What are my hobbies? What is it about me that would make people want to invest?

It'd be a harsh assessment of myself to say I have no interests or hobbies, I still like the movies and the races and I've been slowly getting through the occasional book but I think I've become a millennial stuck in a 40-something's mind.

In the book, and film, 'About A Boy' the character of Will describes himself as an island, as the star of his own TV show - and it's not an ensemble cast.

When did I become Will? I don't have the royalties of a song written by a relative and played ad nauseum to allow a life of luxury but I'm clearly not filling the units of time effectively.

Re-assessment has been an ongoing thing but it's lacked action. I'm not making a point of filling up my units, at the moment it's just a word on a whiteboard.

And it's not as easy as it seems. For me, anyway.

Do I have to save the world to feel like I'm filling in time effectively? What is it that's stopping me from letting go of the fears I'm so clearly holding on to or letting dictate life?

Why do expectations, whether they are conscious or not, seem to gnaw away at you to the point there's this idealistic view of what I thought life would be like?

And when it's not living up to that idealistic view, as impossible as the view is, why does that eat away at me too?

Is it as simple as just letting it all go?

The start of something is harder than it seems. I want to start removing the chains, I want to start being engaged, I want to start to live free of the shackles of fear and doubt, I want to start to fly.

That's a reference to the Lifehouse song Flight.

No more running, no more hiding, no more hurting, no more crying, no more trouble, no more sighing, no more falling, no more striving, no more heartache, no more fighting, no more fears. Only flying.

Getting Off The Carousel

In Australia we call them merry go rounds, I'm using the term carousel in reference to a song I've always liked and that seemingly takes on more significance each year.

The song, of course, is Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse (my favourite band - I'd love some new music guys).

Here's some of the lyrics:

"I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down, I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground, I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this.

"So when will this end, It goes on and on, Over and over and over again, Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop, Till I step down from this for good."

So I've been going around and around for far too long. I want to change, not just lifestyle but outlook and attitude. Let me tell you it's hard.

It hasn't helped that at this stage of the pandemic, despite Australia being in a fantastic position compared to many places around the world, things have taken a bit of a dark turn. I've had a couple of weeks of leave and at times have sunk a bit low.

This week I have tried to drag myself out of it and it is helping to a degree but I don't think it matters how much work I do, if I return to the same place I'm only going wind up back there at some point along the way.

You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results?!

I don't pretend it is going to be easy because to change you need to let go of things you're holding onto. There are a few things in particular I'm holding onto that must be released.

Chief among them is fear. Fear of living, it seems.

Someone I know who has been through a serious health battle said in an interview today that releasing fear from their body was a big part of getting on top of things.

I've often thought about what fear is doing to me. I might expand on that at another time.

To quote the song again - "I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong".

The 2020 Raymo Awards

At the start of the year I definitely wouldn’t have thought I’d see only 21 films at the cinema by the end of it. Because of circumstances we’re all aware of, though, I saw a number of films I definitely wouldn’t have seen in a ‘normal’ year.

So the first movie was The Gentlemen and the final was Wonder Woman 1984.

Interestingly, despite a line up of films that was a lot different than what I expected to see I only scored four of the 21 under 7/10 but there were only seven that were 8/10 or better. Damn you, virus.

Without further ado, here's my top 5 of 2020, a Marvel free list too!

1. The Dry (9/10)

Saving the best to almost last, this Australian crime drama based on the novel of the same name is outstanding. Eric Bana is AFP agent Aaron Falk and he returns to his home town of Kiewarra for the funeral of a childhood friend who may or may not have murdered his family. He’s drawn into investigating what happened as well as having to deal with the demons of a 20 year old mystery death he’s accused of perpetrating. It’s a simmering drama, well acted and set to the backdrop of a devastating drought. A must see.

2. Just Mercy (9/10)

Based on the true story of civil rights campaigner Bryan Stevenson (Michael B Jordon), as he tries to free a wrongly convicted man of a murder charge and death penalty. After a slow start it’s all quality and there are parallels to the classic To Kill A Mockingbird. Jamie Foxx is excellent as the accused man and Brie Larson is also in the cast. I think anyone who saw this would agree it’s a great story.

3. 1917 (9/10)

The story of two young soldiers in WWI tasked with delivering a message that would prevent their regiment from walking into a trap, and in turn save one of the young men’s older brother. It holds tension brilliantly through being shot in a style that makes it appear the movie has been filmed in one continuous shot. I described it back in January as amazing and while I haven’t got to seeing it again I’ll stand by that review.

4. The Way Back (8.5/10)

Now this is one I probably would have missed had things been different this year but I’m so glad I saw it. Ben Affleck is a former basketball prodigy who is, to be kind, a mess but takes on the job of coaching his old school’s team. The reason why he’s a mess came as quite a surprise and was very well masked until midway through the film. On a basic level it’s a standard redemption story but it’s much better than that and is a superb film. (On Netflix now if you want to check it out).

5. A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood (8/10)

Tom Hanks plays legendary American children’s show host Fred Rogers and focuses on his friendship with a reporter Lloyd Vogel (Matthew Rhys). Vogel is a fictionalized version of the journalist whose article on Mr Rogers the film is based on. The reporter approaches the story with the idea that Rogers can’t be as nice as he seems as he’s trying to deal with his resentment towards his father. While Hanks is the star it’s Matthew Rhys’ film and it’s just a good solid easy to watch film.

Honourable mentions: The other two films to top the 8/10 mark were The Gentlemen (a very cool gangster film from Guy Ritchie) and Tenet which was the film that was supposed to reboot cinema during the pandemic. Tenet was a good film to watch on the big screen but is quite complicated, probably too complicated for its own good.

Worth a watch: I really enjoyed Rams, Hope Gap, Unhinged and The Personal History Of David Copperfield (just about all of which I may not have seen normally).

Surprise of the year: Sonic The Hedgehog (7/10) – I really didn’t think a film based on the Sonic game could be any good at all, even with Jim Carrey is the cast as the villain Dr Robotnik. But, in a big way thanks to amazing vocal chemistry between James Marsden and the guy who voices Sonic it really works. Carrey is at his brilliant zany best, almost channelling some of his classic characters. A heap of fun, and I admit to having watched it four or five times since.

Flop of the year: Bill & Ted Face The Music (6.5/10). A bit harsh to call it a flop, it wasn’t bad but they just shouldn’t have waited 30 years to complete the saga. It’s more like Bill & Ted’s Daughters Excellent Adventure and that’s part of the let down.

The film I wanted to like more: Wonder Woman 1984 (7.5/10). Wonder Woman was one of the best films of 2017 so there was plenty expected of the sequel. While I suspect when I see it again I will like it more, it was a bit long and I find superhero films that have two villains feel a bit overstuffed. The 80s setting is cool and there’s a great cameo in the credits. I hope they redeem themselves with Wonder Woman 3 (and I wonder if she’ll ever be called that on screen!).

What does 2021 hold? Well, after what 2020 was supposed to hold who knows. Basically everything that was due to be released this year was held over so hopefully we finally get to see Black Widow, Ghostbusters Afterlife, A Quiet Place 2, Fast & Furious 9 and the rest of the Marvel slate that’s overdue.

Inside A Mid-Life Crisis

In the movies when someone, usually a guy, is having what they call a 'mid-life crisis' they are usually seen cruising around in a fancy car or have had some kind of eye-opening makeover.

That may be true of some people. It may be the text book example. I doubt it's the norm.

I've been trying to work out what's been going on with myself for a while and I've concluded that it is in fact a mid-life crisis. At 45 it seems to fit. I have a huge sense of uncertainty, not helped at all by a global pandemic, and a simmering sense of fear.

It's the latter that is fuelling a lot of aspects of life, making it harder to get up and going in the morning and less willing to explore the world in all its forms. On the other side I have the sense of time running out, or probably more accurately of the limited amount of time that is available to us.

Kind of a paradox. I should be making the most of the time available particularly when I am in the shape, physically and financially to a degree, to be able to. But the fear is like a harness.

I suffer from a extreme lack of focus on anything that's not internal or related to my internal wellbeing. I don't seem to be able to connect with others as I default to living inside the prison that my fears have created in my head. I want to break free (apologies to Queen) but I want it to happen immediately and am unable to take the small steps required to emerge, have a sense that it's a permanent change, therefore a sustainable one. A quick fix won't, and never does, work.

This has to be what a mid-life crisis is. A realisation that you're not immortal, and wondering how important whatever it is you're doing. Whether there's some greater purpose or it's all just stuff you do and experience and it doesn't really matter.

Small steps are actually quite hard but they are the rewarding ones. Recently I committed to curbing a bad gambling habit, and it's so far so good. I pledged to not gamble on the machines, something that has been an issue from time to time, and at the end of each month donate $100 to charity. If for whatever reason I slip up, no matter how insignificant, I sign up to a self-exclusion program.

It's a good incentive and by donating money each month it's putting money to worthy causes.

I have a sense of determination about that which is handy, I just need more determination about myself in other areas. In no small part, mental health.

This pandemic is soul crushing but it isn't wholly responsible for my situation. It's a contributing factor at the moment but hopefully the pandemic will end. In Australia the problem isn't anywhere near as huge as it is in other parts of the world but we've seen in one state that it can shut life as we know it down. I've been wanting to come out of the pandemic in a better shape, it's not looking great at the moment but it's a war not just one battle.

I've said before I feel like I have no friends and that still stands, but I don't know how true that is. I'm sure I do but there's no sense of closeness and that's just as scary as the mid-life crisis itself.