The Start Of Something

They say habits are difficult to form, good ones anyway, but it seems they are easy to let go of.

What are my interests? What are my hobbies? What is it about me that would make people want to invest?

It'd be a harsh assessment of myself to say I have no interests or hobbies, I still like the movies and the races and I've been slowly getting through the occasional book but I think I've become a millennial stuck in a 40-something's mind.

In the book, and film, 'About A Boy' the character of Will describes himself as an island, as the star of his own TV show - and it's not an ensemble cast.

When did I become Will? I don't have the royalties of a song written by a relative and played ad nauseum to allow a life of luxury but I'm clearly not filling the units of time effectively.

Re-assessment has been an ongoing thing but it's lacked action. I'm not making a point of filling up my units, at the moment it's just a word on a whiteboard.

And it's not as easy as it seems. For me, anyway.

Do I have to save the world to feel like I'm filling in time effectively? What is it that's stopping me from letting go of the fears I'm so clearly holding on to or letting dictate life?

Why do expectations, whether they are conscious or not, seem to gnaw away at you to the point there's this idealistic view of what I thought life would be like?

And when it's not living up to that idealistic view, as impossible as the view is, why does that eat away at me too?

Is it as simple as just letting it all go?

The start of something is harder than it seems. I want to start removing the chains, I want to start being engaged, I want to start to live free of the shackles of fear and doubt, I want to start to fly.

That's a reference to the Lifehouse song Flight.

No more running, no more hiding, no more hurting, no more crying, no more trouble, no more sighing, no more falling, no more striving, no more heartache, no more fighting, no more fears. Only flying.