Getting Off The Carousel

In Australia we call them merry go rounds, I'm using the term carousel in reference to a song I've always liked and that seemingly takes on more significance each year.

The song, of course, is Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse (my favourite band - I'd love some new music guys).

Here's some of the lyrics:

"I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down, I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground, I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind, You better believe that I tried to beat this.

"So when will this end, It goes on and on, Over and over and over again, Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop, Till I step down from this for good."

So I've been going around and around for far too long. I want to change, not just lifestyle but outlook and attitude. Let me tell you it's hard.

It hasn't helped that at this stage of the pandemic, despite Australia being in a fantastic position compared to many places around the world, things have taken a bit of a dark turn. I've had a couple of weeks of leave and at times have sunk a bit low.

This week I have tried to drag myself out of it and it is helping to a degree but I don't think it matters how much work I do, if I return to the same place I'm only going wind up back there at some point along the way.

You know what they say about doing the same thing and expecting different results?!

I don't pretend it is going to be easy because to change you need to let go of things you're holding onto. There are a few things in particular I'm holding onto that must be released.

Chief among them is fear. Fear of living, it seems.

Someone I know who has been through a serious health battle said in an interview today that releasing fear from their body was a big part of getting on top of things.

I've often thought about what fear is doing to me. I might expand on that at another time.

To quote the song again - "I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong".