In the middle of everything that is going on in the world something occurred to me recently that in some way shocked me and in another way came as no surprise.
I can't feel anything.
No, I haven't been suddenly struck numb. I haven't lost my sense of touch but I think my inner sense of feeling has been eroded.
When it comes to myself I can feel all things. When it comes to external things it seems all I can come up with is what amounts to 'meh'. I know when something that is supposed to elicit some kind of emotion happens I can acknowledge it but am rarely physically affected.
It's almost like I've been desensitised to anything outside my existence. It's also a very scary thought.
The best way to describe it is kind of a hollow feeling.
I've discovered this, I guess, through a number of pretty hollow pursuits over the past few months. Among other things.
As I sit here and type I can feel all manner of things going on inside me, some I have become accustomed to and some I am perennially tortured by, but when it comes to the mind and the heart they are seemingly indifferent.
No small part of this has to be a result of a number of years on anti-depressants. These little white pills are very effective is getting you down to a moderate level and keeping you there. But that's the trouble, you're in this seemingly endless pattern of no real highs and no real big lows and it is really ticking me off.
I have tried a couple of times to taper off them but so far they have won. Seemingly I struggle when I reach a certain level and just can't seem to get beyond it.
If one thing is for sure - I don't want to be hollow.
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