Half living

'A life lived in fear is a life half lived'.

It's a quote from the movie Strictly Ballroom, a classic film in its own right and a line that could not be any truer.
Particularly for me.
I am tired of living in fear. It's easy to say that you should just not be afraid any more but that is far too simplistic.
What am I afraid of? That is something that is hard to define - I am afraid of losing my freedom, that my health scare of six years ago now is just waiting to come back and get me.
I had a startling reminder of this a few days back.
I thought I had passed blood in the bathroom and I kinda went cold and numb for a second at the thought of it and what it would mean.
Long story short it wasn't blood but jam that had been discarded in the bowl and had not flushed completely away. It was a massive relief to say the least but the feeling has stuck with me to an extent.
It was an illustration that what happened there is a possibility, though not a likelihood at this stage, that it could one day be a reality.
A bout of what I think was food poisoning a day earlier didn't help, either.
I fell back to old habits, thinking that if it were real then there were all these things I had planned that I wouldn't be able to do - things I had been looking forward to.
Anyway, I will get a clearer picture on where all that stands at the end of the month when I have my about 2-yearly look through assessing my inner health - you know what I mean.
Now the last two of those have been excellent and, really, there is no reason why I should think that this time will be any different. I could get picky about a couple of small things but, largely, I am doing pretty well.
Having committed myself to go to the gym as much as possible is also helping and I have noticed some differences. Hopefully as my physical body strengthens my mind can as well.
I often think it is funny that what scares me are things from within and not external things. It's almost like my phobia about magpies.
But that's another story.
I have taken some rather large steps this year and another one will be taken later this month, an achievement that I thought impossible a few years ago is now something I am looking forward to with some vigor.