What do I want?

So what do I want?

It is a question that has been on my mind for a while now and I don't seem to be any closer to coming up with an answer.

In the past couple of years not a lot has changed. Same job, same home, same activities. Not that any of these things are bad by any means. Some stability is a very good thing.

I don't necessarily crave change but am opening up more and more to the idea that it is a good thing. Maybe Sheryl Crow is onto something - 'A Change Would Do You Good'?

If that is the case then what do I change?

My outlook varies from time to time. There are periods where I just want everything to be different, though I can't forget that there are areas in life that need consistency.

There are times when I wonder what I'm doing. Am I mixing with the right people?

A friend of mine observed a while back that I tend to gravitate towards things that are bad for me, as if I want to punish myself for something. How much truth is in that?

I know there are occasions when I have felt very much like beating myself up. Usually it is following a personal mistake of some kind.

Recently I watched the movie 'Shame' again because I felt like being kicked in the guts. And if you have seen the film in question you will know why it succeeds in achieving that goal.

I'd really like to go back and enlighten the me of 10 years ago about the direction I am heading at that time. How much different could things be?

I realise it isn't overly productive to think like that, if any of us could go back in time I'm sure it wouldn't just be to give ourselves advice. I know I would definitely be looking to profit from it.

There's a line, or a song I guess you would say, from the Buffy TV series - 'where do we go from here?'. At the moment there are a few paths in front of me.

The straight & narrow would be appropriate for one of them. Rolling the dice sounds right for another. The garden of good & evil could well be a third.

In 10 years time where would I like to be? Married? Children? It is hard to see that far ahead and I can say I'm not often focused on those things.

I seem to be just going along day by day and there's nothing wrong with that except I seem to end up in the same place.