In the movies when someone, usually a guy, is having what they call a 'mid-life crisis' they are usually seen cruising around in a fancy car or have had some kind of eye-opening makeover.
That may be true of some people. It may be the text book example. I doubt it's the norm.
I've been trying to work out what's been going on with myself for a while and I've concluded that it is in fact a mid-life crisis. At 45 it seems to fit. I have a huge sense of uncertainty, not helped at all by a global pandemic, and a simmering sense of fear.
It's the latter that is fuelling a lot of aspects of life, making it harder to get up and going in the morning and less willing to explore the world in all its forms. On the other side I have the sense of time running out, or probably more accurately of the limited amount of time that is available to us.
Kind of a paradox. I should be making the most of the time available particularly when I am in the shape, physically and financially to a degree, to be able to. But the fear is like a harness.
I suffer from a extreme lack of focus on anything that's not internal or related to my internal wellbeing. I don't seem to be able to connect with others as I default to living inside the prison that my fears have created in my head. I want to break free (apologies to Queen) but I want it to happen immediately and am unable to take the small steps required to emerge, have a sense that it's a permanent change, therefore a sustainable one. A quick fix won't, and never does, work.
This has to be what a mid-life crisis is. A realisation that you're not immortal, and wondering how important whatever it is you're doing. Whether there's some greater purpose or it's all just stuff you do and experience and it doesn't really matter.
Small steps are actually quite hard but they are the rewarding ones. Recently I committed to curbing a bad gambling habit, and it's so far so good. I pledged to not gamble on the machines, something that has been an issue from time to time, and at the end of each month donate $100 to charity. If for whatever reason I slip up, no matter how insignificant, I sign up to a self-exclusion program.
It's a good incentive and by donating money each month it's putting money to worthy causes.
I have a sense of determination about that which is handy, I just need more determination about myself in other areas. In no small part, mental health.
This pandemic is soul crushing but it isn't wholly responsible for my situation. It's a contributing factor at the moment but hopefully the pandemic will end. In Australia the problem isn't anywhere near as huge as it is in other parts of the world but we've seen in one state that it can shut life as we know it down. I've been wanting to come out of the pandemic in a better shape, it's not looking great at the moment but it's a war not just one battle.
I've said before I feel like I have no friends and that still stands, but I don't know how true that is. I'm sure I do but there's no sense of closeness and that's just as scary as the mid-life crisis itself.
