Thinking about a subject like mortality isn't something that should be at the forefront of your mind. Or should it? Unhealthy levels of course can't be good for you, and I can attest to that.
There's long been a simmering level of fear when the realisation that you're not invincible jumps into the head. I can't explain it. Been there since I was a kid. It goes dormant for periods, sometimes very long periods.
But whether it's a midlife crisis or something like that the thoughts have been with me for quite a while. I think they were sparked and fuelled by the pandemic lockdowns and the isolation that caused, both physically and emotionally.
Then a couple of times in the past few months I experienced chest pains. Investigations came up with no serious cause, possibly just some inflammation in the chest bone area.
What was shaking though, is that the scans showed up something we didn't know was there. A couple of aneurysms in the splenic artery. I didn't really know what that meant. I'd always associated aneurysms with the brain because that's what you usually hear about.
It's been somewhat jarring. Living far too much in fear of what might happen, I get paralysed by thinking the worst and feeling sensations in the body go into overdrive. I've been fortunate enough so far to have been able to seek and receive some management and treatment options quickly. It means, all being well, I will have them attended to within a month starting with an angiogram in a few days time.
Still, it's quite daunting and you can't help feeling the isolation again. Especially living alone. I definitely feel better about it knowing something can and is being done. I'm just impatient.
I also thought writing down these fears would be helpful. I'm not good at relaxing and switching off and prioritising my mental wellbeing. I'm one of those people who goes overboard with all the 'what ifs'.
Any encouragement would be well received. I know I don't post a whole lot, perhaps articulating things is the outlet that's needed.
Hopefully everything goes well and it's a simple procedure that is completed without incident. That's the best thing to hope for.
